


Scars

by Last_one_standing_02



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Gen, Pre-Series, Self-Harm, semi-au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-05-07 15:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19212100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Last_one_standing_02/pseuds/Last_one_standing_02
Summary: Olivia has a bad habit. Elliot confronts her about it and she finally lets herself go and talks about it. "She opened her eyes and found relief in His life."Main focus is on Olivia and her backstory and Elliot comes into her life sooner than in the series.Eventual E/O.WARNING: mentions of self-harm and suicideFirst published on ff.net 2014/08/28





	1. The Present

The bedside lamp was on as she was quietly reading her book, she was flipping through the pages absentmindedly, as it was her favorite book. Victor Hugo was partly the reason she had always wanted to visit Paris, though a lot of places he describes in „Les Miserables“ are now long gone. Olivia was fascinated by the way all stories come together and how Cosette managed to maintain her innocence and even Javert managed to win her sympathy. A true masterpiece in her opinion and even Elliot promised to read it once he has time, or watch a movie.

She put the book down and decided to call it a night. She heard the door unlocking and someone entering her apartment – her hand instantly flew to her gun on the bedside table, but when the intruder identified himself, she relaxed – Elliot. 

He showed himself a moment later, standing at the bedroom doorway.

“What a day. I’m so tired,” he said exhaling deeply.

“Yeah,” Olivia agreed. “What happened to your face?” she asked, referring to a nasty cut on his cheek, surrounded by red spot.

“Oh, it’s nothing. Perp thought he could escape the punishment if he just takes me down,” Elliot explained, running his fingers over the cut.

Olivia winced a little and looked at him compassionately.

“I missed you at the precinct earlier,” he said, stretching out his hands, holding the doorframe.

“Cragen sent me home, wouldn’t take no for answer,” Olivia said simply. 

They had their perp and Elliot was interrogating him, while Olivia finished her DD-5 as Casey wanted that as well as the defense attorney. When she turned it over to Cragen, he saw right through her exhaustion and sent her home, knowing well enough that she had pulled an all-nighter previous night and barely slept the night before. Some would call it insanity, she calls it dedication. That’s how she ended up with a free night, while Elliot had the chance to get their confession out of yet another perp.

“For once I think he did the right thing, though I thought you’d use the time to catch up on some sleep,” Elliot said, glad, that Olivia wasn’t there to hear the confession.

“Guess I wasn’t that tired,” Olivia said with a shrug.

“Go figure,” he chuckled.

“So, did you get your confession?” Olivia asked, unable to tune off work.

“Yeah, he gave everything up, even all the victims we didn’t know about, but I don’t wanna talk about work anymore,” he said with a heavy sigh.

“Agreed,” Olivia replied.

Elliot finally moved from the doorway and sat down by her side at the edge of the bed, leaning on his hand on the other side of Olivia, trapping her in a way. He leaned down to press his lips to hers, savoring the feeling as if she was going to disappear. 

They broke apart, but maintained the close contact, as Elliot put his head on her chest and wrapped his arms around her. She caressed his short hair lazily, content with the current situation.

“Next time you leave without me, let me know, so I don’t have to worry about you disappearing or anything. I can focus much better, when I know that you are safe,” he said, having all kinds of thoughts running through his head, when he realized, that she was no longer sitting behind her desk and apparently he had no idea where she was.

“I promise, next time I will. I would have told you, but didn’t want to pull you out of interrogation, Cragen informed me of the progress you were making,” Olivia said, giving him her reason.

Elliot mumbled into her shirt, closing his eyes. He felt his eyelids getting heavier by the second, but he didn’t want to move.

“El?” she asked finally.

Elliot just mumbled something again, shaking his head. 

“As much I love you here, you need to brush your teeth and change. We’ll both regret falling asleep like this,” Olivia said softly.

“Mhm, I’m going,” he said, but made no attempt to get up, Olivia was way too comfortable to leave, ever.

She nudged him with her shoulder, shoving him with more force as he didn’t respond.

“I’m going, relax,” he said finally. He kissed the valley of her breast through her white cotton shirt and got up. 

He kept on looking at his reflection through the mirror as he brushed his teeth. His eyes focused on the cut on his cheekbone. He failed to tell Olivia, the whole story, but he knew it was better that way, still he couldn’t get those events out of his head.

“You’re partner’s hot, I’d totally bang her if she wasn’t so damaged, you know. The way she talked to the sweet Melanie, I could tell she wasn’t lying. It’s just a matter of time before she ends up like her, you know, banging some old fart from the office and violates that soft tanned skin of hers. It’s such a pity,” Colin, the perp, kept on talking.

“Don’t talk about her like this,” Elliot hissed.

“Oh, now I hit a nerve, detective, so if you are the old fart, she’s banging I wouldn’t blame you. She does have nice ass and those breasts…” he started, but was cut off by Elliot’s fist colliding with his face. 

What went down next happened too fast for Cragen and Munch to respond from the other side of the interrogation room window, because Elliot and their perp Colin Mason were trying to beat each other into oblivion.

They did ran into the room and separated these two, but not before it was too late. Elliot got ice pack on his fist and doctor examined his wound, while Munch got the confession.

Elliot left the bathroom, coming back to the bedroom and closing the door after him.

Absentmindedly he took off his clothes, still running the events of their case through his mind. Their assault victim tried to commit suicide, but they had Olivia to calm her down. It was not the case that was that much in his mind, but what Olivia had said. 

Clad in his boxers, he climbed to the bed. Olivia rolled to turn off the bedside lamp, but he grabbed her hand, stopping her. She turned her eyes to him with curiosity. Elliot stayed silent for a minute, avoiding her look, preparing himself mentally for answers she’ll give.

“About the things you said to Melanie today…” he started weakly.

Olivia had a pained expression on her face – of course he will bring it up.

“Yes?” she asked, waiting for a question.

“Is it true?” he asked bluntly.

“El, you know me better than that, I wouldn’t lie to a victim,” she replied as if it was obvious and he knew it. She could lie to the perp, but not to the victim.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

“Never came up,” she replied vaguely.  
“Liv…” he said quietly.

He took her hand gently and traced the soft skin with his fingers, feeling the faded scars along the way. Never before had he asked and she didn’t tell. He always figured she had a wild childhood and if it was serious, she’d tell.

“When did it start?” he asked.

“I was 15 or maybe 16, it was long time ago, so I don’t really remember,” she said honestly.

“After your mother told you about your father?” he asked, even though it was more of a statement than a question.  
Olivia nod nevertheless.

“Have you told anyone before?” he asked, moving his hand up on hers, lifting her sleeve and finding more scars, some still pink.  
Olivia simply shook her head.

“Why? You could have found help,” he reasoned.

“El, it’s not a thing I’d regularly advertise,” Olivia argued.

“I know this is difficult, Liv, but hiding it won’t make things go away. To really deal with everything that has happened and that drove you to hurt yourself, you need to face your problems,” Elliot said softly.

“I wasn’t that much hiding, I just didn’t tell anyone, because after that people start treating differently. Just like you are,” Olivia explained.

“Liv, I’m just concerned,” Elliot said honestly.

“I’m not suicidal, never have been, so you can stop treating me like a victim,” Olivia was firm.

“I’m not treating you any different and people, who are hurting themselves, are considered to be at suicidal risk, it’s a small step onwards,” Elliot protested.

Olivia brushed his hand off from her shoulder and took a moment to breathe.

“Elliot, I’m gonna give you a quick tour to cutting. I think that there are 3 types of people, who pick up the knife or razor or anything else sharp enough. First type are attention seekers, they probably cut at their forearms, probably not even near veins, because it is a more painful and not that visible, but back of the hand is, plus drawing blood hurts the less. Then there are suicidal people, who attempt to cut their veins, they probably know where to cut and how to cut. These people need to be on suicidal watch and considered danger,” Olivia said, pointing on different locations on her arm as she explained, coming across scars along the way.

Elliot stayed silent, waiting for her to go on and watching her movements, wondering how many scars she really has. 

“And the final type are people, who feel numb all the time and cutting allows them to feel anything or then they feel angry or depressed all the time and want to feel anything else. They usually start with forearms, but after awhile it’s not enough, so they move to other sensitive spots, most commonly to lower abdomen, as there is sensitive skin. As they gain experience, they avoid forearms, as this is most visible place and they don’t like to be asked questions,” Olivia ended her explanations. 

Elliot slowly moved his hands to the hem of her shirt and lifted it, moving his hands to her abdomen, where most of her scars were located. To his great surprise, she didn’t protest or push his hand away again. 

“Liv, I’m so sorry you had to go through it all,” Elliot said sincerely, wincing every time his fingers found another scar. 

“Yeah, well, it is what it is. Can’t take it back and if I could, I’m not sure that I would. You heard, what you wanted to hear, it’s up to you how you deal with this information. If you want to go, I don’t blame you, but I’m going to sleep now,” Olivia said, ending the conversation as she felt tears in her eyes and she was not about to cry in front of him.

She turned off the bedside lamp, scooted on the bed, successfully getting rid of his hand on her abdomen. She pulled her shirt down and rolled to her ride with her back towards Elliot. 

“When was the last time you hurt yourself?” Elliot asked, refusing to let the topic slide. 

“It’s been months. Not since you ended up in my bed,” she answered with a wince, knowing she doesn’t want to hear his response. 

“It has happened, while we were working together and I missed it?” Elliot asked, though the question was directed more to him than to her.

Olivia shifted uncomfortably. She should have decided to avoid the subject all along. 

“It’s not about you,” Olivia said bluntly.

“No, it’s not,” he agreed. “But you are part of my life and everything about you becomes my responsibility. I’m not running from this. I’ll be by your side, whatever you need.”  
She responded with a quiet thanks and “I love you”, allowing herself to relax a little. He came close to her, tugging on her shoulder gently until she rolled over again. Elliot pressed a kiss to her forehead, and pulled her against him. He wrapped his hands around her, promising himself never to let her go.

“Liv, I mean it. I’ll be here for you. If you have a bad day or something hits little too close to home, don’t go to razors, come to me. I don’t want to see you in pain, I want to see you happy. I wanna be there, when you feel the need to cry or if you wanna smash something or whatever you need. I’m not running,” he whispered gently.

He felt Olivia shaking lightly against his chest and her tears landing on his bare chest. Elliot let his hands run circles on her back, comforting her. Knowing her, she didn’t want so approximate contact, she wanted to be left alone to deal with her demons, but now more than ever he was not willing to let her go. He wanted her to learn to trust him with her demons, she was no longer alone and he was there to help her with whatever she needs, because she probably didn’t know it, but she has been his rock for a long time. She has made him a better person over a long time by just being there and refusing to let him bury himself. She has been his savior and now it’s his turn to return the favor. He could only wish that she’d let him in and let him really be there for her.

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. It’s okay,” he kept on whispering as she cried. 

Her sobs quieted down soon after, followed by evened out breathing as she let dreams claim her.

"She opened her eyes  
And found relief in His life  
And put down her knives"  
Between the trees – “The Way She Feels”


	2. Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm!

Olivia Benson had just locked herself in her room, she turned the radio up and blocked everything from her mind. This couldn’t be true. Nothing made sense anymore. Seems like even if she has everything put together and finds a chance to overcome everything her mother has done, Serena Benson manages to find a new way to make her world come down crashing. 

Growing up with an alcoholic is not easy, but Olivia had managed to overcome that – she has learned to leave her mother alone when she drinks and keep out of her way, so she can’t hurt her daughter. She learned that a long time ago. She even learned to hate her own mother, but today she realized that she has no right. She has no right at all to hate her. 

The truth is that Olivia is in love, as much as one person could be. She was ready to pack everything and move away with him, partly to escape from her mother, but mostly because she was in love. William Stanley was the man of her dreams, doesn’t matter that he’s her mother’s student and he’s about twice of her age, love is love. 

“I’m engaged, Mom.”

The half-empty vodka bottle fell to the floor, breaking into little pieces, the liquid covering the floor making it slippery and infiltrating into the red carpet covering the floor.  
“I’ll never let anyone else have you.”

With a jagged edge Serena Benson came towards her daughter, flames of fury in her eyes and her breath smelling like vodka she just dropped.

“Mom, what are you doing?” 

“I’ll never let anyone else have you.” 

“Maybe my father could come and take me away.” 

“He’ll never have you. You are mine.”

Olivia slowly backed away, but her mother came after her nevertheless. She was close enough to touch and her hand rose with the jagged edge of the bottle. Olivia reacted fast and pushed her mother, hard, but the older woman only struggled with her balance, still standing. So Olivia kicked her again, this time with much more force, so Serena flew to the wall and slid down, finally dropping the sharp object, but she had also lost consciousness. 

Olivia stood there in shock, her breathing becoming labored as her whole body shook. Her mother was there, with blood dripping to the floor. 

She ran out of the apartment, vowing to never come back – she might have killed her mother. And she ran faster – she might be a murderer and end up in jail. She’s just 16!  
Her mother was still in hospital under observation, she might have a concussion and doctors want to make sure she’s okay before discharging her.

But Olivia had come home, she couldn’t be around that woman anymore.

With shaking hands she picked up the payphone and inserted coins. She dialed the number she had seen on a wall in the University her mother works in. 

“Yeah, Simone Bryce.”

“Hello.” 

“Hi, what’s your name?” 

“Olivia Benson.”

“Are you okay, Olivia?”

“I think I killed my mother.”

“Oh, honey, where are you?”

Olivia gave the law student her location and her address with a promise to wait. 

Still she didn’t know why she had called that law student, who spent her free time by giving legal advice to people, who couldn’t afford it. 

She didn’t know why she’d called a lawyer. Maybe it was some kind of reaction to committing a crime to call a lawyer and get a head start before everything goes south.   
Maybe it was just her need to confess to someone she doesn’t know.

Or maybe she just wanted someone to hear her story.

Either way she called the law student.

The hospital walls were white and impersonal just as one could imagine. The waiting room chairs were uncomfortable and from the looks ready to broke every second. On one of those uncomfortable chairs in a white room was Olivia cradled up in, her head on her knees brought to her chest. She made herself small as she waited for any news about her mother.

“Your mother will be okay.” 

Olivia looked up, where Simone Bryce was standing.

“Thank you miss Bryce. What happens with me now?” 

“Please, call me Simone, but you get to go home. They’ll be keeping your mother overnight, but you can see her if you’d like to.”

“I tried to kill my mother. I can’t go unpunished.”

“You didn’t try to kill her, you were protecting yourself. That’s how it’s recorded, Olivia.”

Olivia turned her eyes to the floor, not scared of the police, but scared of her mother.

“Olivia, do you want to see her now?”

Vaguely, but she did nod – Olivia wanted to see Serena, no matter if she didn’t want to see her daughter, she’d be happier to see a bottle of vodka.

Simone lead her to through the impersonal halls to a patient’s room, where Serena Benson was. She was wide awake with that angry look in her face she had before. Simone didn’t come in, but stayed on the other side of the door.

“Hi, mom.”

“What are you doing here? Don’t you see what you did to me?” 

“I’m sorry.”

“You’d better be.”

Olivia looked down, embarrassed.

“Now you call your precious William and say no to him, because otherwise I make sure he never graduates.”

“Mother!” 

“I won’t let you run off with a man who’s way too old for you. You will not be his.”

“You can’t do this.” 

“Watch me. And also the dreamy father you’ve been waiting is a rapist. He raped me and then I had you. You are not a planned child, you’re a living reminder of the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

“What?”

“I was raped. Your father is a rapist.”

Olivia was frozen.

“Get out of my sight. I don’t want to see you.”

Olivia stood there stunned for a moment and then left the room, tears coming from her eyes. 

She met Simone just outside, the older woman looking worried at the sight in front of her, he pulled the teenager for a hug, letting her cry on her shoulder.

“Olivia, do you want to talk?” 

Olivia shook her head.

“Do you want to go home?” 

This time Olivia nod.

Simone nod, and they walked out of the hospital. The ride back was silent, Olivia didn’t want to talk and Simone didn’t push her. She stopped the car in front of the apartment building.

“Take my card, my home number is on the back, you’re welcome to call me any time.”

Olivia thanked politely and left the car.

She was still clutching the card in her hand with Simone’s name and number written in delicate handwriting.

Olivia put the card on top of her books on the edge of her desk. 

She left her room, looking over the mess on the living room floor and the scent of vodka, that made her nauseous, but she walked to stand in the middle of the mess. She glanced at the wall, where Serena had fell and the small pool of blood right next to the shagged edge of the bottle. She looked away quickly.

Olivia squatted and started picking up the shards from the broken bottle, accidentally cutting her finger with a sharp edge. Funny thing is that she barely registered the pain, she felt numb all alone.

Absentmindedly she continued until she accidentally cut herself again, but this time she felt pain. She saw blood running from her hand, droplets falling to the ground.  
Olivia grabbed a piece of glass and sat in the middle of the carpet. She rolled up her sleeve and looked at her forehand before bringing a glass to it and putting it against her skin. Olivia used pressure and pulled the glass over the back of her left hand. Finished, she looked at the result of her handy work, getting enjoyment from the feeling of pain running through her body. 

“You’re a living reminder of the worst thing that happened to me.”

And then she cut again. 

“Your father is a rapist.”

And again.

Satisfied with 5 straight lines on her hand she put the glass down and stared at the blood running from her hand. The cuts weren’t deep enough to be dangerous, but deep enough to draw blood and cause pain.

Olivia ran her fingers over the injuries, disturbing the blood flow, but not doing any effort to stop it. She ran her mother’s words over and over in her mind, she still couldn’t quite believe it, but it did give her some answers and explanations.

The truth is, even if her mother likes vodka too much and rarely acts like a mother, Olivia has no right to blame her, because she got it worse. She knew she didn’t remind of her mother, which means she resembles her father, so her mother has had to look at his face every time she saw her daughter.

Olivia couldn’t blame her mother now.

Not ever could she blame her again – Olivia has no right. 

She never had the right to blame her for anything. 

She also can blame herself – she was brought to this world by violence and she one half of the reason behind her mother’s ultimate dismay.

She’s a living reminder of the worst thing to happen to a woman. 

But the real reason is a man, a rapist, a bastard. 

Olivia would like to kick that man so hard, but she can’t.

So instead she picks up the piece of glass and cuts herself again, feeling the pain and then repeating, while watching the blood running from the cuts she made minutes ago. She bit her lip and let the tears fall from her eyes, tears of pain or tears of anger – that she doesn’t know anymore. 

She enjoys it too much, but she doesn’t care. She needs to do something to make her hurt, to make her pay for existence. 

She cuts herself to punish herself.

She cuts to feel.

She cuts to destroy the pain. 

Again and again.

"All alone the way she feels  
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief  
Bite the lip, just forget the bleeding"  
Between The Trees - "The Way She Feels"


	3. Seventeen

„Happy Birthday Olivia,” she whispered to herself, when the clocked turned to midnight. 

She turned her eyes to the window, where distant traffic light could be heard along with regular honking going on. She took a deep breath and looked around in the dim room, where her stuff was misplaced around the room. 

Her blue notebook was opened in front of her as she read about the Great Roman Empire and its eventual downfall, trying to remember all that her old teacher might or might not ask in the test tomorrow. She was good at history – she liked the mysteries around it and putting pieces together and finally getting to the point of where the society is now – in the middle of Cold War. But most of all she liked history, because it had certainty unlike other humanitarian subjects, where you need logic and some knowledge to get a good grade, but history is based on facts. She looked it like purpose and outcome, which is common in science, but she also found it reflects history.

As Olivia was in the middle of reading Caesar’s conquers, she heard the front door opening and then closing with a loud bang. 

She sighed – Serena was home.

“Olivia,” she shouted from the living room, “Olivia, baby, where is the birthday girl?” 

Olivia winced, discarded her history notebook and went to her mother.

Serena was sitting in armchair, taking off her black boots, but the task was hard considering the amount of alcohol she had consumed, but managed before Olivia reached her. Even though Serena’s eyes were bloodshot and her make-up was smeared on her face, her smile seemed to genuine, when she noticed Olivia. 

“Come here girl,” she said and stood, balancing herself for a moment and then opened her arms. 

Olivia hesitated, but closed the distance and allowed her mother to hug herself, though she took a moment before hugging her back. 

“You’ve gotten so big, I still remember when you were so little,” Serena said truly meaning it, “Happy Birthday, honey.”

“Thanks, mom,” Olivia replied automatically. 

Serena released Olivia and took a good look at her daughter.

“We’ll get cake tomorrow and celebrate you finally turning into a woman,” Serena said.

“That sounds great,” Olivia said, hoping her mother would be sober the next day, but then again she knew that this day hit her hard every year and probably she won’t remember in the morning. 

“Now, excuse me, I’m so tired. Grading those morons really took a toll on me,” Serena said and bumbled into her bedroom. 

Olivia quickly put the boots and coat away, placed her mother’s purse neatly on counter and took a good look around, but nothing else seemed to be out of order. Then she went back to her room and sat down in the middle of her bed, her focus back at Caesar.

Olivia heard her mother going to the bathroom, probably to vomit, but Olivia chose to ignore it. She did have a big test coming the next day. 

She thought about everything that has happened in the past year and leaned back against the headboard. Her fingers ran absentmindedly over her left forehand, where some fading scars were located.

She quickly removed it and turned the page at her notebook, but a test fell out at the motion. Olivia took the paper in her hand and looked it with disgust. She got A-, but the reason for her disgust. She realized that since she was smarter than most in her class, some teacher gave her better grades, while the others gave her worse grade just because they either like her or not. Olivia felt bad because of it and so she started giving her works in without a name on them to get fair grading. On the current paper the teacher had written Olive on the edge of the paper. Olive. It’s Olivia, but the teacher seemed not to have learnt the names correctly.

Olivia put the paper away and glared at her handwriting, suddenly she didn’t want to study anymore, she wanted to scream or hit something. All at once her mind was going through so many emotions and thinking back to every mistake she ever made and every time she’s been wronged. 

Tears fell from her eyes as she realized how alone she really was. She felt so unlovable and seemed like the world had turned its back on her and it was just so tiring. She was exhausted – Olivia rarely slept those days, seems like she’s lost everything in such a short time. Her friends started ignoring her a few months back and Olivia is empty of reasons why they would so this to her and even though she should be having the time of her life, she is struggling and never has felt more alone than now.

She could no longer pretend that she had any control over her falling tears, they just kept on coming and coming with no end in sight.

Olivia opened a drawer and found her discarded books along with other papers – she really didn’t know everything the drawer held inside, but she knew about the one thing hidden underneath the books – pieces of glass. 

She took the biggest and held it in her palm as she was weighting her options. In the glass she began to see her friend and not her enemy, so she traced her fingers along the edges, but avoided cutting in. 

Then she put the glass on her opened notebook and removed her hoodie to reveal bare skin. She looked at the hand, where she had barely visible scars from the first time she found relief and fresher ones already, but they were fading also. 

“My name is Olivia,” she whispered in anger and grabbed the glass in her hand, attacking herself with it, satisfied the moment new cut “OLIVIA” was staring back at her from her left forehand. 

“I am Olivia,” she said to herself. 

She took out a tissue and pressed it tight against her hand, trying to stop the blood from running, because she was in no mood to get her clothes all bloody so she could wash the stains out sometime later. 

The glass lay discarded on the notebook, while Olivia’s palm was trying to stop the bleeding. That’s the moment a slight hint of regret came, but it disappeared as soon as it came. For some strange reason she felt less angry than she did before, the loneliness didn’t scare her so much, instead she learnt to appreciate it.

Even though people need people – or so they say – she felt like it’s gonna be okay, she can survive all of this alone. She can handle the absence of her friends – correction ex-friends – and she can handle whatever her mother throws at her – Olivia is strong enough.. And the sharp glass is just a method to handle it all. It might not be healthy and socially accepted, but if she can find comfort and help in this self-destruction, then how can it be that bad?

Olivia took her palm from the tissue and removed the now red layer from her hand to see her name in bright red letter, now forever engraved on her hand, but the reality hasn’t set in yet. 

The reality of seventeen year old teenager destructing her life, Olivia was not stupid – of course she knew the results of her actions, but she refused to acknowledge that to herself, because knowing about problem and admitting it leads to dealing with the problem, perhaps looking for help… and then stopping it, but she was not ready to give up the one thing that made her feel alive. Not yet.

***SVU***

Having barely slept last night, Olivia was exhausted before her day even started. She rolled to her left side and shut off the alarm, which was beeping annoyingly, but doing so she felt a sudden pain in her left forehand – she winced – and rolled to her back. The pain went through her whole body, reminding her exactly, what she did to herself the previous night. 

Her blue notebook on the floor reminded her of the upcoming exam later this day, but she also managed to see the glass, now covered with blood on edges, and she felt some regret for her actions, but she buried it just like she did last night. 

Olivia looked at her forehand, where her handiwork was visible, so red and raw, it seemed angry even. So she took her sweatshirt and pulled it over her head, just in case Serena was awake and she was not in a mood to explain her mother her actions – she was not ready to explain it to anyone.

After brushing her teeth, Olivia made coffee and went back to her room – in case Serena wakes up, because lately she has started to avoid her mother for both of their sakes.

She placed the glass neatly back where it was before, hidden from her sight, and took out the notebook once again. She drank her coffee and finished reading in time to get ready and make it to her first class… almost in time.

School was okay, she probably didn’t flunk her test and she survived everything else. Some of her classmates wished her happy birthday, but it felt more like forced than sincere, so she was happy to get home after a long day. 

Serena was at school, when she got back, but Olivia knew she’d be at university. Still she closed her door, threw her bag in the corner of the room and climbed on her bed, hugging the pillow and once again let the tears fall, the ones she had been holding for whole day. 

She falls asleep sometime, because she wakes, when Serena comes home and then she hears her mother going to her room, maybe to drink, maybe to sleep… or maybe to grade students. Olivia was right – Serena didn’t remember Olivia’s birthday and she didn’t get the cake she promised, but it’s not surprising.

Olivia doesn’t move throughout the night, but she keeps on thinking about everything and who she wants to be – the questions of her future, because the only thing she knows is: she doesn’t want to become Serena.

She turned seventeen days ago, she's so fragile and sweet,  
but in the darkness she felt alone, abandoned and beat.  
On the ground she found a piece of glass to cut through the pain.  
Girl, who had never felt this love, but she'd never complain,  
On the back of her hand she wrote her name just to remind  
herself the word stuck in her throat, but lost in her dark mind.


	4. Eighteen

She crossed her legs neatly and threw her backbag on the desk, she even didn’t bother to remove the headphones from her ears, listening to Madonna’s cassette and waiting for yet another boring geography lesson to start. She sat in the last desk by the window – as far from the teacher as she possibly could, her desk mate Marie yet to arrive. She did come in just after the teacher did, which caused Olivia to press stop on her brand new walkman and lower the headphones. Carelessly she took out the notebook and textbook, but didn’t remove her backbag from the desk, using it as a shield from the teacher. 

“Did you hear about Caitlin yet?” Marie asked, when their old teacher miss Turner was focused in talking about the last supercontinent Pangea.

“Nope,” Olivia replied.

Marie shook her head and scratched her head, making her perfectly blonde hair fall messily on her sides.

“Rumor is that she slept with Johnny at last school party and now she’s pregnant. Can you imagine having a baby now, I mean we’re just 18, still in high school,” Marie shared her information.

Olivia shrugged her shoulders – truth to be told, she wasn’t that into gossip, mostly because she was scared that her own secret would come out. She has already had her fair share of teasing because of her lack of father, and if comes out his real connection… that would destroy her.

“Guess, I wouldn’t wanna be in Caitlin’s shoes right now,” Olivia said casually after a short break.

Miss Turner made loud noise, which caused Olivia and Marie to turn their attention to their teacher and the current picture she had drawn on the blackboard, which was supposed to illustrate the breaking up of last supercontinent. The topic was interesting, but Olivia got the feeling that their teacher didn’t know the subject that well herself, so her explanation seemed out of place, so the attention fell from her once again.

“Olivia, what’s going on between you and Kevin?” Marie asked with a smirk.

“Um… Nothing?” Olivia replied with uncertainty – Kevin is her classmate, but that’s all there is.

Marie nod, but made a clear face of not believing Olivia, “Well, you ditched Ruth for him in physics and he’s been your chemistry lab partner for 3 years now,” she went on teasing, hoping to get something juicy.

“Nothing’s happening. He just sucks there and I’m helping him, or more like letting him copy my tests and homework,” Olivia said casually.

“Oh, come on, you can’t be that blind. He could go to anyone in this class for that problem, for example he could go to that dork Angelina, but he came to you,” Marie continued.

Olivia shook her head with a smile, “Don’t imagine things and pay attention Turner is about to turn herself over trying to separate Africa from South America,” she said and pointed to the teacher, who was indeed in very awkward position, violently moving her hands in opposite direction on the blackboard, her body halfway facing the class and the emotion vivid in her eyes.

“She is a funny lady, when she’s not mean,” Marie said while trying not to laugh.

“True that,” Olivia agreed.

Her gaze drifted over, where Kevin – her chemistry partner – sat, currently in seemingly vivid conversation with Mike and paying no attention to the teacher at all, wondering if Kevin could have a crush on her, because Olivia knew that she had a crush on him, has had it since sometime middle school. He couldn’t be the same, could he? He’s the most popular guy in class, probably the best looking too – he could have almost any girl, so he couldn’t be interested in the dorky and gloomy girl that’s Olivia… It’s not possible.

“Benson, what was the result of this event?” Turner asked and turned to Olivia with her hands on her hips, fully aware that girls at the back had not been paying attention to her.

“The opening of Atlantic ocean,” Olivia replied easily.

Turner pouted her lips, “Good, as the continents separated a new ocean was formed, and what is the name of the ocean that closed during the process?” she continued asking Olivia.

“Thetis Ocean,” Olivia said, getting it right once again.

Turner nod and turned away from Olivia, back to the blackboard to continue explaining how continents as we know them now found their place.

The bell couldn’t have ring fast enough, but when it finally did, everybody was out of the class as fast as they could. Some ran to the cafeteria, some to the library, but Marie and Olivia headed to their lockers to grab their jackets. They walked out of the school into the cool autumn air, and went around the school building and disappeared between apartment buildings, going to their usual quiet street.

Both Marie and Olivia took out their cigarettes and lighted them up. 

“Oh, Turner didn’t seem to want to finish,” Marie complained.

“Yeah, but to think we have history with Tank next,” Olivia said, the old teacher was called Tank, because of her heavy steps. Rumor has it, that you could hear from one side of the hall if she’s coming from the other. The teacher was feared in school, but also respected, because she demanded more than other history teachers, but her students also got the best results and some of them went on to study history. 

“Crap. If she wants to torture someone in front of the class, you go and save everybody else,” Marie decided.

Before Olivia could reply, they heard some distant voiced and both girls had their cigarettes behind their backs, ready to drop them, but then the intruders came into sight – Kevin and Mike. A sigh of relief came over them, when boys joined them.

“You weren’t afraid of us, were you?” Kevin teased.

“Of course not,” Marie snapped.

Kevin and Mike looked smug with their now burning cigarettes in hands.

“Olivia, did you find the answer to 6th question Tank gave us?” Mike asked.

“Um… We had homework?” Olivia asked uncertainly, she didn’t remember getting any last time.

“I take it as no,” Mike said, unsatisfied, “But do you anything about the plan Barbarossa?” 

Olivia breathed out smoke, thought for a moment and closed her eyes, trying to remember, “Was that Hitler’s plan to attack the Soviet Union?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” Mike said unhelpfully.

“Yeah, I think it was. It had 3 wings, North went through the Baltic countries to Leningrad, East went to Moscow and South was through Ukraine to Stalingrad. I believe it was that,” Olivia said, this time more certain of herself.

“If Tank wants to crucify someone, then you’re up – you know enough not survive with flying colors,” Kevin said to Olivia.

“That’s what I said,” Marie agreed.

Olivia rolled her eyes and shook her head. 

No-one spoke until all of them had finished. Kevin took out shoe gum and offered it to everybody before they returned to familiar school for another hour of torture.  
“We have anything else after this?” Kevin asked, when they entered the building.

“Nope,” Mike replied.

“Crap, we’re late,” Olivia said looking at the time.

4 of them ran to the 4th floor, where their history lesson took place and silently entered the classroom.

“Nice of you to join us,” Tank snapped, when last four students went to their places, “Now, I hope you all did your homework, because I want to hear about it.”

The silence took over, with Tank looking over at the class diary for the next victim to torture in front of everyone, while students tried to get to know everything in those few seconds.

“Taylor, come in front of the class and talk about what you studied,” Tank said finally.

A sigh of relief took over in the class, with everybody else, except Annabel Taylor – the dumbest girl in the class – looking relieved and excited for what’s about to happen.   
Kevin and Mike turned around so they were facing Marie and Olivia.

“It’s gonna be good,” Mike exclaimed.

“Fantastic,” Marie agreed.

“You better study, she might want someone smart to show how it’s done after Annabel totally shames herself,” Kevin said to Olivia and winked.

Olivia nod and pointed at boys to look ahead – Tank had her sight set on them. Boys complied and everybody watched as the teacher totally destroyed Annabel for not even knowing the basics of the World War II, not even the fighting sides. As Kevin predicted Olivia was up next, and her extraordinary listening memory helping her through all the questions Tank threw at Olivia, so there was another A for Olivia, who walked back to her desk with a wicked smile.

The lesson concluded with Tank talking about the ending of War in Europe and then let students go with another load of homework for the next time.

Olivia headed towards her locker, grabbed her gymbag and went to the locker room, where her teammates were already changed. 

Olivia was in girls soccer team and they had practice on every Monday and Friday. She played in the midfield, wearing number 10 jersey, as her favorite player French wizard Michel Platini does for France and Juventus. She also plays as attacking midfielder.

Their coach and former player Antonio Sanchez walked in to see everybody ready except for Olivia, who was sitting on the bench, chatting with her teammates.

“You’re late again Benson, get changed and do 30 crunches, others four laps,” Antonio ordered.

He left with the girls, leaving Olivia alone to change. Thankful to be alone Olivia pulled sweatshirt and t-shirt over her head to uncover her scarred biceps and lower abdomen, where fresh knife wounds lie. Quickly she pulled her long-sleeved jersey over her head, changed her jeans into shorts and put on her soccer boots, then joined others for warm up after doing her crunches of course. The pain cut through her every time because of the fresh cuts covering her abdomen.

The practice was common with team separated into two and then playing against each other. Olivia found herself yet again playing against the main defenders along with their star attacker Dana. They had formed a partnership, which seemed to work well against their opponents, with Olivia getting the ball and delivering a pass to Dana, where the other girl could get a shot, usually ending with a goal.

Olivia wasn’t particularly good at soccer, but she was better than most but then again it’s easier to shine as attacker than defender because in the end glory is given to the scorers not those, who keep opponents from scoring.

The practice ended with Olivia setting up 3 goals and netting 2 of her own, gaining points in the eyes of a coach and teammates of course. They had a big game coming in next weekend, so they had to be prepared.

After practice Olivia grabbed her things and went home as usual, she rarely showered in school these days. To her great surprise she met Kevin in front of the school – he had been here so late also.

“What are you doing here so late?” she asked.

“Had to retake last English test, you?” Kevin replied.

“Soccer practice,” Olivia replied.

They started walking toward home – Kevin lived in a house across from Olivia, stopping at their regular corner for cigarettes. 

On the way they discussed regular things like school to the upcoming World Cup in Mexico – Kevin was also playing soccer, so they had that in common. 

“You going to the school dance next month?” Kevin asked casually.

“Wasn’t planning on, I have big game coming up, been practicing and focusing on school all the time,” Olivia replied sadly.

“Right, the semi-finals,” Kevin remembered.

“Yeah, would be nice to win, we’ve made it so far,” Olivia said proudly.

Kevin stopped for a moment, Olivia walked on, but seeing Kevin stopping, turned around. 

“10, that’s Maradona’s number,” he commented and caught up with Olivia.

“More like Platini,” Olivia remarked.

“I’d go with Maradona. I think Argentine has better chances at winning than France,” Kevin voiced his opinion.

“Maybe,” Olivia said.

“Hey, we could go practice some soccer tomorrow, got nothing to do anyway,” Kevin proposed. 

“Sounds like a plan,” Olivia agreed. 

They got to Kevin’s apartment building, where they said goodbyes and went in separate ways.

Serena was at home, when Olivia got there. She went straight to her room, briefly greeting her mother and then headed to showers. Even in home she usually wore long sleeves, but this time she chose a short sleeved t-shirt and sweatpants. 

Olivia was surprised, when her mother called her for dinner later – Serena rarely cooked. So Olivia went to the kitchen and took a seat opposite to her mother and enjoyed home cooked meal she so rarely had these days.

“How was school?” Serena asked and put vine glass to her mouth, sipping it eagerly before placing it back on the table.

“Got A in history,” Olivia replied shortly.

“Good, I’m proud of you Olivia,” Serena said.

Olivia nod and absentmindedly put her left hand on the table. Neither of them spoke for awhile, but then Serena grabbed Olivia’s forehand, where a fading scar with her name was located.

“When did you do this?” Serena asked.

Olivia looked down – she had almost forgotten to hid that one, otherwise her forehands were almost clean of cutting.

“Some time ago,” she replied shortly.

“Huh,” Serena said in disapproval, “A mistake you made as young girl, but something to stay with you for you whole life.”

“Guess so,” Olivia said dully, she had not intended her mother to find out, but her reaction could have been much worse. Seemed like Serena wanted to acknowledge it, but chose to take the topic any further, and for that Olivia was grateful.

The conversation died out with that, the rest of dinner was eaten in silence and when it was over, then Olivia descended to her room like always. She cursed herself for being so careless – she should know better by now. It’s been over 2 years since she first found the piece of glass and so far she has been successful in hiding everything. Until now…

She felt the urge to reach in her drawer and take out the knife she was hiding there, but she didn’t. Instead she put out the lights and got into bed. She didn’t fall asleep though, instead she kept on staring outside from the window – she rarely bothered with putting on the curtains these days.

Olivia had become to love the stars outside, wishing to be free like them. Needing to be free and careless – she has had it with this world, she has had enough. But she knows there is no escape now, she feels like she’s stuck, but it’s only one more year and then she’s done with high school. At this moment she feels intrigued with history – it is certain and in a way that’s what Olivia needs between the shades of every color she knows. The second thought is to study some environmental or physical sciences, but these are just thoughts. The truth is that she has no idea, what to do with her life after she graduates in the spring. But the uncertainty and not knowing is what draws her towards the sky – wishing, needing, to be free just like the stars, because by now she has realized that she’ll never be like the others – she’ll never be as careless and self-centered as the people she knows. Because unlike them, love did not bring her here and since the day one she has not been wanted, by anyone literally. 

Slowly her eyelids get heavy and she drifts to peaceful world of dreams – well, she wishes to drift into peaceful and dreamless sleep, but in reality, her dreams are rarely that, they are mostly nightmares, haunting her while she’s wide awake – controlling her every move. The childhood dream of her father coming and rescuing her has disappeared and nightmare of a faceless man, who claims to be her father, takes her and does the same thing to her, that brought her to this world. The faceless man is haunting her dreams, but also when she’s wide awake – never leaves her alone. And the current night is not different from the others, it’s always the same. 

So, when she’s wide awake, she dreams of being free and escaping the hell that’s become her life.

***SVU***

She’s on the soccer field in her gray knee length sweatpants and nr. 10 jersey with Olivia written on the back – it was her choice, because in a way she despised her last name and now usually didn’t even reply to Benson, just Olivia.

She is using the time she has to run around the field, warming up and then run with ball, so she is ready to play when Kevin finally appears.

“I’m sorry, I slept in,” he quickly apologizes.

“No worries, I just finished my warm–up,” Olivia replied easily and threw the ball to Kevin.

“God, my head hurts. My sister had a frat party last night at our place, my parents are in vacation, so it went so overboard. The beer and the vodka, oh… Now I know it was a bad idea, but I had so much fun last night with Monica,” Kevin explained and passed the ball back to Olivia.

“Sounds like you had fun last night,” Olivia commented, feeling a little jealous.

“Yeah, it really was a good night, today we’ll have another party,” he said and his eyes suddenly lit up.

Olivia waited, she waited to get invited, but the invitation never came, so she chose to change to subject, “We’ll we’re here to practice soccer, right?” she said.

“Yeah,” Kevin agreed, “My head is killing me, so I’ll be the goalie and you can try to get past me,” he said confidently and went to the goal. He made some warm–up moves to show off and then nod. 

Olivia took the ball and went just outside the penalty box, placed the ball neatly on the spot and counted her 4,5 steps from the ball. She measured the distance in her head and then did her run to the ball, shooting just below the upper left corner, Kevin did touch the ball, but it landed in the net. 

“Hah, you suck,” Olivia teased.

“No, you’re a girl and I’m a gentleman, so I let you net the first one,” he said back, winking at her. 

Olivia laughed and Kevin threw the ball to her, this time Olivia didn’t wait for the ball to stop moving, instead she shot with the first touch and this time Kevin did catch the ball.

“Told ya,” he winked.

Olivia nod, but she was not convinced, so Kevin threw the ball to her again and Olivia looked for the place to shoot.

They continued this game for awhile, passing flirty comments along the way. Then they changed the positions with Olivia being the goalkeeper and Kevin attacking. Mike passed by the field and Kevin asked him to join them, so there they practiced passing and trying to get a shot. 

After few hours of showing off and practice, they all sat down on the ground to rest, their breathing labored from the running.

“She’d good you know,” Mike said to Kevin, Mike was also playing soccer in local boys team.

“She has to be, they are in semi-finals,” Kevin said. 

“If she’s playing then I’m watching, our school could win it at once,” Mike said. 

“You know I’m right here,” Olivia interrupted, because it seemed like guys had forgotten it.

“Yeah,” the boys said in unison.

“So, who’s your captain?” Mike asked.

“Dana, the star forward,” Olivia said.

“She’s hot,” Kevin said, earning a disapproving look from Olivia.

“But also good. I heard there are scouts coming for her the next game,” Mike said knowingly.

“Coach said something about that, yeah,” Olivia replied.

“You play good and you’ll get noticed too,” Mike gave her a compliment.

Olivia laughed and nod, but she was sure Mike was saying that just to tease her – Olivia was not that good.

“We’ll be coming to the game anyway,” Kevin said firmly.

“To support our own superstar,” Mike said and put his hand on Olivia’s shoulder, giving it a good squeeze and then removing it.

“Well, it was nice, but I have to go now. Gotta set up the party,” Kevin said looking at his watch.

All of them got up, Olivia packed her ball and other gear in her bag and they started going home.

“See you later then,” Mike said and headed to the other direction.

Both Olivia and Kevin said their goodbyes and continued their walk in silence until they reached Olivia’s building.

“See you in Monday,” Olivia said.

“Yeah, see you,” Kevin said and kept on walking, while Olivia went home.

She got home to see her mother gone, so she took a shower and went to her room. She took out the biology book and started reading the chapters they were having test on Tuesday. Suddenly she didn’t feel that left out for not being invited to the party, because she knew she’ll never be like them. She has way too much on her shoulders to be like the people she goes to school with, though she had no idea about the battles everybody else were fighting, but judging by the way they talked, relationships, alcohol and gossip were the most common things.

***SVU***

The big day was finally here. All girls were in the locker room, getting ready for the big match and their coach giving them the last wishes and recommendations for the game, as well as explaining the game plan.

“In defending I want everybody falling back to help. We are not gonna lose this game, so defending is priority, but Olivia and Dana will stay in the midfield. You get the ball, you pass it to them and we’ll be good at counter attack,” the coach explained.

“So we’re using the centre, not wings?” Karen, the right midfielder asked.

“Yeah, our best bet is Benson,” the coach gave affirmative answer.

“But we gain more by using the sides. Both Karen and Siena are fast, they could be the key,” Olivia argued.

“Yeah, that’s why Benson in running more on the right side than in the center. Their left defense is weak, so we are gonna use that. It will be the moment of surprise for them,” Coach Antonio Sanchez said.

“Karen, you will be more of a center player, but you and Benson will be changing the positions to create more confusion. You have done it in practice, so you’ll do it again today,” Sanchez continued.

“And our mission is to get the ball to Dana,” Karen confirmed.

“Yes, we’re hoping Dana will score again and take us the final,” coach confirmed.

They bundled up in a group and put their hands all together.

“Go Tigers,” they shouted and ran to the field, their couch behind them. 

First the lineups were read from the speakerphone and then the sides were selected. The opponents had ball. 

The game started slow, their opponents passed the ball between each other, making no real attempts to attack. Finally the midfield got the ball and it was Olivia’s team turn to pass it. But they too dreaded carefully to the opponents goal, passing it between each other comfortably. At last Dana got the ball and shot, but it was off target. The first half passed like that, the score line still 0-0.

The second half started more aggressively, with their opponents finally sneaking behind the defenders and earning a penalty, which was then shot to the back of the net. 0-1, and Olivia’s team was behind.

They got their chance moments later, when ball was passed to Olivia, who had moved to the right side and sprinted towards their opponent’s goal with just one defender in her way and the other chasing her. She went along and reached the box, but before she could shoot, she noticed Dana in the center, completely unmarked. She made the pass and Dana being a sharp shooter made the score even again 1-1.

That pissed of the other team that concluded with more robust and aggressive play. Tigers got another chance, when Dana got the ball and dribbled with the defenders, but before she could take a shot, defender tackled her.

Olivia was first to arrive to Dana after the referee had whistled for a foul. 

“You okay?” she asked, when Dana was on the ground and holding onto her right foot. 

Dana shook her head and motioned for medics to run to the field. 

The coach got the message that Dana had to be substituted. With a help from medics the captain limped to the bench, but she passed the captain’s armband to Olivia.  
Martha ran to the field to replace Dana, she came to the free kick spot, where Karen, Olivia and Angela from the left side were standing.

“Sanchez wants Olivia behind the ball. She’ll be the captain and we move the play to the center midfield,” she said quietly.

Everybody nod.

Olivia placed the ball on the spot, where the foul was made and scanned her surroundings. Ironically it was the same spot she delivered a nice shot, when she was playing with Kevin and Mike. She looked to the crowd to see her class mates, but she couldn’t find them.

She took a deep breath and counted the steps. In her mind she measured the distance and the wall’s location, then started running and hit the ball. She closed her eyes tightly, not daring to look, it was when crowd was getting loud and her team mates were cheering, that she opened them. 

She scored. On 85th minute with just 5 minutes to play, she scored. A smile appeared on her face and she ran to the corner flag post, throwing herself on her knees and enjoying the noise crowd made. Her team came around her and everybody cheered with her.

They had 5 minutes to play – 5 minutes away from the finals.

They game started again with the other team going straight towards the goal, but this time defenders were ready and got the ball, passing it to Olivia instantly and she used her speed and dribbling skills to get past the remaining two defenders and faced the goal keeper, she made a movie to the right and the goal keeper jumped to catch it, while Olivia managed to shoot the ball to the empty left corner, making the score 3-1. 

The celebration followed, her teammates praising Olivia for the 2 goals and the supporters being now certain that their team is in the finals.

Referee added 4 more minutes of extra time and during the time Olivia managed to score one more goal, making her the hat trick hero right before the final whistle was heard. The Tigers were running honor laps around the field, forming a tight circle right in front of their supports side, most of whom had ran to the field to congratulate the players, Olivia being the centre of it all, her goals did take them to the finals and to no surprise she was named the (wo)man of the match.

“I told you, you will play good,” Mike said, when he made it through the crowd and reached Olivia.

“Yeah, you did,” Olivia said with a smile.

Mike gave her a hug and Kevin joined in.

“I’m proud of my girl,” he whispered.

“We’re in the finals,” Olivia said happily after the guys had released her.

“And I’m sure you’ll win,” Mike said with a wink.

Their conversation was cut short, because coach Sanchez pulled her away.

“There are some people, who want to talk to you,” he said and directed Olivia to two mid-aged males in suits, “They’re scouts.”

Olivia shook hands with them and then listened to their offer.

“We’re from Siena’s college, and we’d be interested, if you’d join us in the fall. Your ball control is impressive and your ability to switch between positions,” one of them said.

“But I’m not senior, I’ll be attending high school next year,” Olivia said.

“Well, that’s a pity,” the other one said.

“But still we’d like you to join us, if not next year, then the year after that,” the first one said.

“Wow, that’s great,” Olivia said.

“You could start practicing with us in the summer, and then you get the idea, of what we’re offering,” the fist scout said.

“And of course you would be on full scholarship,” the other added.

“Our team is competing in the highest college league in the States, and we have won the Championship couple of times, lastly 2 years ago,” one of the scouts said.

“Wow, it’s an honor,” Olivia said, loss of words. 

She was given a card with a number to call if she’s interested and promise that she’ll have a spot in the starting lineup along with best wishes for the final and then she was free to join the celebrations. 

Kevin caught her, when she returned and pulled her away.

“Party at my place, we have to celebrate the victory, invite your teammates and come. My sister promised to get everything we need,” Kevin said cheerfully.

“I’ll be there and I’ll spread the word around,” Olivia promised.

“Perfect,” Kevin said and excused himself.

Olivia noticed most of her teammates still on the field, accepting good wishes and being overjoyed, so she slipped out and went to the dressing rooms already. It was empty, so she quickly got undressed and got her things and headed to the showers. She took a quick shower and to her great luck the dressing room was still empty, when she got out. Olivia got dressed again, putting on her casual outfit – jeans and gray sweatshirt. She was there drying her long hair, when others came.

“And we thought you ditched us,” Dana said seeing Olivia. She came over and hugged Olivia, thanking her for the great game.

“Just came to take shower,” She said easily, “By the way, there’s a party at Kevin’s to celebrate. We’re all invited.”

“Oh, we are so going,” Martha said and everybody shared her enthusiasm.

“My God, Kevin’s so hot,” Karen said to herself.

“Dream on girl, he’s got hots for Liv,” Dana said laughing.

“Kev doesn’t have hots for Liv, Kev is Liv’s friend,” Olivia said from the other side of lockers. 

“You keep telling yourself that girl,” Dana said and made a face. 

Olivia shook her head, but it went unseen to others. 

It took them about an hour and then everybody was ready to leave. The stadium was empty by the time they walked across it and headed to Kevin’s place. Some girls knew, where he lived and they had been there before, but mostly they followed Olivia’s lead – she was the one, who got the invitation after all. The walk was not quiet, girls were happy, because they reached the finals, something they hadn’t done in past years, so it was a milestone. Olivia was of course overjoyed, but she stayed quiet. 

Finally they got to Kevin’s place and entered, when the party was already in full swing. People noticed their arrival and they greeted the winners, coming to them and pulling the whole team in a group hug. Mike greeted Olivia and pulled her away from the circle and lead her to the kitchen, he handed Olivia a beer, capped it off and clicked the bottle with the one he was holding.

“I’m so glad you could make it,” he said sincerely.

“Me too,” Olivia said and drank her beer.

“You know I was positive, that girls can’t play soccer, but now I’m positive that they can, all because of you,” he said.

“Don’t judge the book by it’s cover,” Olivia replied laughing.

Mike nod and eagerly gulped his beer.

“So Olivia, you are full of surprises – you know how to play soccer, you act like a good girl, almost perfect teacher’s pet, but you smoke, you drink… Is there anything else I don’t know about you?” Mike asked, counting the things he knows about Olivia.

“If I tell you everything, then where the surprise is?” she asked, “Besides you’re not so open and shut either, because you act like a jackass, while I know you’re not.”  
Mike laughed, and nod. 

“Let’s go out, I need a cigarette right now,” Mike proposed.

Olivia nod, so both of them headed out of the party and went behind the dumpsters to offer them cover in case someone walked by – their parents, neighbors, teachers… anyone familiar or then the biggest fear of all – cops. They took a seat on some wooden crate and enjoyed the silence and fresh air, not to cold, but not too warm either.  
“So star player, you have your eye set on someone?” Mike asked suggestively after awhile.

“Nope,” Olivia said firmly – really she had no time for boys, because her problems are more serious.

“So you’re not Kevin’s girl?” Mike asked.

Olivia laughed and shook her head.

“Good,” Mike said, placed his beer on the dumpster and threw the cigarette on the ground.

Before Olivia could react she was pressed against the wall, Mike’s lips on hers and his body covering her. He was straightforward, but he was not annoyingly forward. Olivia found herself kissing him back, she dropped her own cigarette and her hands ended up around Mike’s neck, her fingers in his short hair and his on her back, trailing downwards to cup her bottom. 

They heard voices and bolted away from each other, awkwardly trying to look casual. To their luck they weren’t confronted, instead some people left the party and by the sound of it, they were drunk.

“Maybe we should get back inside,” Olivia suggested.

“Yeah, I bet they’re missing us already,” Mike agreed.

“There are many people and we weren’t gone too long, so we’ll be okay,” Olivia thought.

Mike laughed, took Olivia’s hand and let her lead them back inside. She was right, they were not missed, but now a group of people, including Dana and Kevin were sitting around the table, taking what seemed to be vodka shots. 

“Mike and Benson, come on join us,” Kevin shouted and brought 2 shot glasses from the kitchen cabinet. 

“Does good girl Benson also drink vodka?” Mike asked Olivia in whisper.

“Actually I quit about a year ago,” Olivia said honestly, winked at Mike and sat down in the armchair, where Kevin was previously. 

Mike laughed and then took a seat across from Olivia, Kevin came back and sat on the armrest of the chair Olivia was occupying. He poured vodka to all of their glasses, they clicked them together, shouting “Go Tigers” and emptied them. Olivia made a face, then reached for the orange juice and used it to wash away the taste of vodka. 

“Let’s play truth or dare,” Kevin proposed.

“Oh yeah,” Dana responded instantly.

The general crowd agreed, so they had a game for the night.

“I’m gonna start, my idea,” Kevin said, he looked around the table for the perfect person and finally set his eyes on Olivia.

“Olivia, truth or dare?” he asked.

“Truth,” Olivia responded quickly.

“Hmm… Have you ever made out with someone, because you were drunk?” Kevin asked.

“Yes,” Olivia said simply, going back to the time about a year ago, when she was seeing that drunk driver Allan, who was way too wrong for her, but he was 21 and got the booze and she seemed to like him much more, when she was drunk. Thank god, she got out, when she did.

Kevin wolf whistled by her side, poured vodka for everybody, then they took it and Olivia looked around to pick her victim.

“Dana, truth or dare?” she asked her teammate.

“Dare,” Dana said confidently.

“I dare you to take 3 shorts in row,” Olivia said wickedly, knowing that’s enough to get Dana drunk.

Dana agreed and took the shorts, while others cheered for her.

The game went on until the bottle was empty and the questions got more intimate and personal. Olivia excused herself to go to the bathroom, the others continued to play. Most of the party quests had left already, so it was pretty quiet. When she came back, she stopped suddenly, hearing the question Dana asked.

“So Kev, do you wanna fuck Benson?” she asked.

Olivia’s stopped breathing for a moment and stood still on the other side of the wall, out of sight, but not out of hearing range.

“Of course I want to fuck her. Look at her ass and the breasts she has, man I’d love to fuck her between them, make the good girl scream,” Kevin explained vividly, “Mike, what about you?” 

“You kidding me. I’d do anything to feel those full boobs under my hands. Oh, I’d fuck her senseless,” Mike agreed.

“So, Mike, what do you say? We make a bet on who gets to fuck her first, or maybe we can do her at the same time?” Kevin proposed.

“We have a deal,” Mike agreed.

Olivia suddenly felt sick, she wanted to scream or smash something – how could she have been that stupid, of course they just wanted to get between her legs like she was some cheap whore. 

She crossed the hallway, grabbed her gymbag by the door and her coat, then she was out of the door with no intentions to go back. Some girls might feel flattered that the popular guys wanted her, but she felt disgusted – why guys only have to be out on one thing? Both Mike and Kevin had been nice to her, but secretly both of them just wanted to sleep with her. If the world is so cruel, how could she trust men? Up until now none of them has given her reason to. 

She had 2 cigarettes, pushed up against the same wall, where she and Mike shared the kiss mere hours before. Then she calmed herself down a little and went home. The apartment was quiet as always, Serena was probably asleep already. So Olivia went to her room, threw the bag on the floor and sat on her bed. She threw the sweatshirt over her head, leaving her in a white t-shirt, she looked over at her upper arms and saw red lines in places blood had flown just days ago. 

She opened the desk drawer and took out the kitchen knife she hid; she held it in her hands for awhile, then ran it over her shoulders, carefully cutting previously unharmed skin and let the pain free her. She was angry at life, at guys, at everything it seemed, but now as the blood ran and the sharp pain cut through her, she started to calm down. She started to feel the relief she so desperately needed.

Olivia placed pillow under her neck and got down on her back, she lifted her shirt over her abdomen and put the blade against the skin on her abdomen, she made just one cut, slightly to the right side and let it be. 

It was until she noticed the blood flowing across her side and dropping to the t-shirt, that she acted fast and got out tissue to clean the blood and then press it against her upper left arm and abdomen. It took her awhile to get the blood to stop, then she brushed her teeth, got a glass of water and pills for her probable headache in the morning, placed them on the counter, changed into pajamas and got under the blankets. Of course the knife ended up in the bottom of her drawer just like it was before.

Before she fell asleep, she looked outside the window, she really didn’t bother with the curtains anymore. She wondered if there comes a day, when she could be fine without inflicting pain on herself or if she’s ever ready to talk about it, but there is just one thing she knows – she’ll never be like her classmates, she could never be so easy and careless, because Olivia has something to worry about, she has seen enough to worry.

She turned eighteen just days ago, finding strength in her scars,  
They say in this year she has grown to like the falling stars –  
She wants to escape and be free, like stars above her head,  
Knowing that she will never be like them sitting on sled.  
With long sleeves and her mouth kept shut, she hides behind cigars,  
When she looks for a place to cut between her healing scars.


	5. Nineteen

Olivia yawned for what seemed like thousandth time in the past hour, she really needed to sleep.

"Liv, customer," her co-worker and childhood best friend Tanzee said, with whom she had a falling out some time ago, but over the past summer have found their way back and now are working together at a local pizza place in this summer, which will be the last summer for Olivia before she heads to college.

Olivia looked over and saw a couple walking sitting down by one of the windows. She dragged her feet and took the couple's order, gave it to kitchen and took her seat at the chair beside Tanzee.

"So are we going out tonight?" Tanzee asked.

"Sure we can go. But I can't stay too late, I'm leaving tomorrow for Siena," Olivia said, reminding her friend of the big change about to take place in her life.

"Right," Tanzee said casually, her interest has not been in educational system like Olivia. Instead of going to high school, Tanzee went to local culinary school and now she was first year student there, even though she was a year younger than Olivia.

"Liv, your order," their pizza chef Vivian called.

Olivia picked up the pizza and delivered it to the table, after that she took her seat by Tanzee and they planned their night, while their shift ended. They decided to meet at Olivia's, whose mother is out of town currently, and then they'll see what happens.

They met at Olivia's a little past 8 pm, both having their share of alcohol with them. They played dress up, while consuming the rum both girls had become fond of during the summer.

"I just love this song," Tanzee said, when some Lionel Richie's song came on the radio, she pulled Olivia up and the two of them danced in the middle of the living room, while both being still half-dressed.

They finished the rum, finally managed to choose outfit for the night and found the time was right to go out just past 10 pm. They walked to the apartment building, where they knew was going to be a house party tonight and entered. It was their old friend Carl, who invited Tanzee, he and Olivia had a falling out some years ago, when the two of them ended their relationship. It was a little before Olivia found her new love in one of her mother's student.

Tanzee and Olivia were greeted by some familiar faces and then finally Carl showed up, hugging Tanzee and offering a smile to Olivia. In a weird irony, Carl found himself a new girl and her name just happened to be Olivia – what a coincidence.

Girls were offered drinks and they accepted, while they made their way through people towards the dance floor. Tanzee just loved dancing and showing off her moves, she also wasn't shy of showing a little more skin than would be considered appropriate. Olivia didn't overly enjoy the dancing part, because unlike Tanzee she had always be aware of all her flaws and felt a little shy, because for some reason she felt like people's opinion was important. But then again she had had multiple falling outs with people she used to hang out with, so she was careful.

Their mutual acquaintance Carly was there and she joined the girls with her boyfriend Samuel and some other friends. So the dance circle they formed was getting bigger, but the good music just kept on coming, so people kept on joining them and after a while both Olivia and Tanzee were out of breath and hot, so they decided to go cool down outside with a cigarette break.

"Oh, this is so great party," Tanzee exclaimed.

"Yeah, it is," Olivia agreed.

They talked about how amazing this party is and how much fun they were going to have, while Olivia kept on looking at the time subconsciously, calculating how much sleep she was going to get.

Both girls returned to the party awhile later. Carly came instantly and grabbed Tanzee's arm, Olivia followed them to the table, where Carly was now sitting.

"Tanzee, this is Harry, he just returned from his training with the marines," Carly said to Tanzee and pointed her to the guy. He was good-looking, about Olivia's height, blonde with bright blue eyes. He was smiling widely and Olivia remembered that this is the guy, who was also dancing with them before and he kept his eyes on Tanzee the whole time, which Olivia thought was a little creepy.

"Hello Harry, I'm Tanzee," Tanzee said with a bright smile.

"Harry," Harry said introducing himself, then turned to Olivia and smiled weakly.

"Oh, this is Olivia," Tanzee said fast.

"Pleasure," Harry said to Olivia, then turned his attention back to Tanzee, "You wanna dance?" he asked.

Tanzee took his hand and lead him to dancing area, while moving her hips in real sensual way. Olivia shook her head – for some reason she found it annoying when women were trying to sexualize their body and draw attention to their cleavage or hips. She poured herself another drink and sat down in the table, where her acquaintances were located.

She stayed there and emptied her drink, while listening to some random topics people were discussing, as a hobby she looked around and tried to put a story behind people in the party. She glanced around for familiar faces, but couldn't find any, except Tanzee of course, but she was otherwise occupied.

So Olivia decided to go home, after all she had to wake up early the next day and go visit the college she'll hopefully be attending the next year, though not on soccer scholarship, because she had an injury last summer and that kept her from playing well in the last season. Due to her stubbornness, she decided it was a good idea to remove the cast in 2 days, not in 2 weeks like the doctor ordered. And now it has made a situation, when even running hurts, not talking about shooting the ball or anything else more demanding. Now, her right ankle is something that stops her from doing what she really wants.

She stood from the chair and made her way to Tanzee.

"I'm leaving," Olivia said to her friend.

"So?" Tanzee said boldly and winked at Harry

"Thought I'd let you know," Olivia said, while cursing herself for deciding to come talk to Tanzee and she suddenly remembered how she has been all the time – never letting a chance to humiliate Olivia go waste. And it seemed like doing that in public place as loudly as possible is her goal, but then again after she was kicked out of her old group of friends almost a year ago, Tanzee is all Olivia has.

"I don't care," Tanzee said as arrogantly as before.

Olivia shook her head and muttered her goodbye under her breath, turned around and walked away.

She lit up another cigarette and headed home, while keeping an eye on her surroundings, making sure she's not followed or anything suspicious is happening, but everything was quiet. So she slowly walked towards home, until finally reaching there. She set up alarm and got to bed, tired as hell.

***SVU***

It was 5 days later, when Olivia got back home. She had enjoyed her stay at Siena, and the idea of going there in a little over month made her happy. She really wanted it, probably more than she had wanted anything before. But she had called Tanzee, while away and they made plans to go out the night she got back.

Tiredly she got home, Serena was there, and dropped her backbag by the door.

"You're home," Serena greeted.

"Yeah, I'm back," Olivia confirmed and sat down to untie her sneakers.

"So, how was it?" Serena asked, a little disappointed, that Olivia wasn't considering Hudson University, where she was teaching.

"It was good, think I'd like to go there," Olivia said and stood up.

"Okay," Serena said simply, "I made dinner," she changed the topic and pointed towards the kitchen with her hand, that wasn't holding a wine glass.

"Thanks, I'm not hungry," Olivia refused politely – her mother was not known for good cooking skills, so refusing was safe option.

Serena nod, if she was hurt by Olivia's rejection, she was hiding it well.

Olivia took her backbag and went to her room, she dropped the bag on the floor and changed.

"I'm going to bed," Serena shouted.

True, it was already past 10am and Serena had to be at Hudson the next day.

"I'm going out with Tanzee and to work tomorrow," Olivia shouted back. She could almost see the head shake Serena was giving her from the other room and feel the disappointment Serena was silently expressing.

Olivia returned to the living room, having changed into comfortable pair of jeans and long sleeved t-shirt.

"Be home at normal time. The mistakes you make now, are the ones you'll regret the rest of your life," Serena said.

"Yeah," Olivia said, still remembering the half-conversation about her name written on the back of her hand and Serena's reaction. The topic hadn't been touched again, not that Serena and Olivia usually talked about her. The only thing Serena cared about was Olivia's good grades, because the mother always implied that Olivia's bad grades embarrass her and as English professor her colleagues' kids also got good grades, so Olivia was always compared to them.

Olivia finished putting on her shoes and left, shouting bye from the door.

She met Tanzee halfway – they always met at place, where both had equal path to walk.

"Hey," Tanzee greeted her.

"Hey," Olivia replied.

They turned to an alley and sat down on the stairs, both taking out a pack of cigarettes and lighting one.

"So how was Siena?" Tanzee asked.

"It was good. I'm torn between what to study, but I don't have to choose right now," Olivia replied.

"They still want you, I mean without the soccer scholarship?" Tanzee asked.

Olivia winced, painfully remembering how her amazing run as soccer player was taken away by one injury. She had played with some friends over the summer, and some guy decided that it was easier to take down Olivia than taking the ball from her. So Olivia fell and injured her right ankle, of course in her stubbornness, she refused to take a break, but when the school started again and practice started, it was obvious that she couldn't play the way she did and in the end Olivia quit soccer.

"My grades are good enough, so yeah, they still want me," Olivia confirmed.

Tanzee nod.

"Harold is coming too, we're meeting him a few blocks from here," Tanzee said.

Olivia nod.

Tanzee started talking about her and Harold, how they had spent all the days together, since they met and now are serious about each other. Olivia absentmindedly offered her comments or occasional nod, but she was distant, her minds flying over her future… About 6 weeks left until she is going to the university and leave this behind. It's scary, but Olivia isn't scared.

They met Harold, who politely asked about Olivia, but when the two got into conversation about education, Tanzee cut in and put focus on herself. Harold and Olivia had graduated from High School, while Tanzee never even went there, like most of the old group of friends Olivia and Tanzee had all through middle school and most of Olivia's high school years.

They reached the party, where once again they were greeted by Carl and his cousin Vinnie, and group of people they didn't know, Harold knew them of course.

"You look like you're from Spain," a drunk guy came and exclaimed, repeating the sentence to both Tanzee and Olivia.

Vinnie pushed him away and shook girls' hands, apparently it was his party. 3 of them found their seats and sat down around the table. Harold took out his whiskey and poured some to himself, Tanzee and Olivia.

Harold found companion in his old classmates and now coworkers. They were discussing the current work situation, where Vinnie was the boss. One of the guys – Alar took a seat right beside Olivia and introduced himself.

"I'm Alar," he said politely.

"Olivia," Olivia said her name in return.

"Alar, so nice that you made it," Tanzee cut in, he and Alar had met before since Alar got along with Tanzee's old boyfriend.

"Of course I'm here. How have you been?" Alar asked.

"Good, I'm doing very well," Tanzee said and wrapped her arms around Harold.

As the two of them caught up, Olivia looked around in the room and studied the people there. Only ones she knew were Vinnie, Carl, Harold and Tanzee, plus Alar now. There were also the drunk guy, who greeted them before, 2 girls, who were around Carl and one guy sleeping on the armchair already.

Alar suddenly turned around and turned to Olivia.

"So how do you know Harold?" he asked.

"Quite frankly, I don't, but I know Tanzee," Olivia said honestly.

"So you are old friends?" he asked.

"Yeah, grew up together," Olivia confirmed.

"Olivia used to go out with Stevens," Tanzee cut in and loudly announced Olivia's past fling.

Stevens was a few years older than Olivia and they had met during one festival a few years back. The fling had lasted for a 2 years, at first only the summer and a year later, when they met again Olivia and Stevens had one year relationship until Olivia broke it off, because Stevens was a drunk driver. Looking back he was the worst mistake Olivia made, even though she's made many and of course Tanzee has to announce that to everybody. That made Olivia shook her head.

"Oh, you were the girl Stevens used to talk about. The good girl, who went to school and something," Alar said in realization and his hand moved around Olivia.

"That would be me," Olivia confirmed bitterly.

"Let's party people," the drunk guy shouted, which made most of the people roll their eyes.

"I can't believe David is drunk again," Harold commented.

"His girl just left him," Alar explained.

"And he has a kid," Vinnie added as he entered the conversation.

Olivia looked at the guy named David, who was trying to get one of the girls to dance with him. As the girl refused, David announced that he's leaving. Suddenly she felt sorry for the guy, but she was reminded of how quickly everything can go downwards.

"I'm going out for a smoke," Olivia said to Tanzee.

"I'm good, thanks," Tanzee said.

Olivia brushed Alar's hand off, stood up and grabbed her bag.

"But you'll come back?" Alar asked.

Olivia looked over her shoulder and nod.

She went down the stairs and outside. She lit the cigarette and looked around, enjoying the silence.

"An idiot," a voice said behind her and Olivia jumped in surprise, but relaxed, when she saw David.

"You scared me," Olivia said.

"Because you're an idiot. An idiot," David said, empathizing the word idiot.

"You don't even know me," Olivia said calmly.

"Women are all idiots, you're all the same," David continued, "Idiots," he clarified.

"And you're an asshole," Olivia shot back, her mind running wild, and suddenly she was having hard time believing that people like this guy still exist.

She put out her cigarette and took a good look of the guy in front of her.

"Go home, sleep it off," she said firmly and went inside, David's shouts of her being an idiom sending her.

After Olivia got back, she noticed that her glass was full again and Alar had been saving her a seat. She put on her best fake smile and took a seat where she did before and tried to focus on the conversation. She felt Alar move his hand around her like he did before and for once, even though Olivia didn't feel attraction towards the guy, she didn't push it away, maybe only to show Tanzee, that despite her opinion – some men still found her attractive.

"So you and Harold are going strong?" Carl interrupted and entered the conversation as he turned to Tanzee.

"Yeah, we're good," Tanzee said with a bright smile.

"Should bring her a ring soon," Harold commented and took her hand in his, observing it.

"We'll get there too," Alar said to Olivia quietly.

All the alarm bells were ringing loudly in Olivia's head, all of them telling her to leave. She had known the guy for a couple of hours and he comes to talk about rings? Oh no, she had to run. But for some reason she stayed. The alarms were blaring loudly in her head, but she stayed calm in her place and offered the guy a smile.

Tanzee and Harold started talking about their happy relationship, while others stayed quiet, Olivia felt like she needed to throw up, but she denied herself that too. She denied herself any chance of showing emotions.

As the conversations shifted and the bottle emptied, the time also turned.

At 4 a.m. Olivia announced that she'll leave, she had work the next morning. To her great misfortune, Alar decided to send her and Olivia's protests were not enough to get rid of him and so Olivia and Alar started walking towards Olivia's.

"So you have big plans after graduation?" Alar asked.

Olivia tried to remember if she said anything about her graduation mere month ago, but she couldn't recall it. Maybe Tanzee said something?

"Yeah, I'm going to Siena this fall," Olivia said vaguely.

"That's amazing. You have specialty in mind?" Alar asked.

Olivia shook her head, "On the one hand I'd like to study history, but then again something pulls me towards environmental sciences. We'll see what I'll become," she said simply, adding in her mind that criminal justice has become more and more interesting, but that's one thing she hasn't told anyone jet.

"Sounds like you have interesting path in mind," Alar said, he himself was working in construction.

"Guess I do, but I guess only time will tell what really happens," Olivia said and shrugged her shoulders.

They kept on walking while talking about everything and the same nothing. Olivia said her goodbye by the shop in the corner, not wanting the guy to learn where she lives – for some reason she felt paranoid. Alar kissed her cheek and touched Olivia's bottom, to which she reacted by pulling away. Alar smiled and Olivia knew, that this will never happen.

"I'll be seeing you," Alar said with a smile.

"Sure," Olivia mumbled, "Have a safe trip home."

As Alar turned away, Olivia looked after him to make sure he was walking away and not following her, so she felt safe to go home. She sneaked in quietly and went to bed, the alarm clock showing it was already 5 am and she had to be at work in 5 hours.

Olivia set her alarm and fell to bed.

***SVU***

She practically ran through the streets to her work place – she was already almost late, but last night she managed to pick up a good book – "Les Miserables" and she just couldn't put it down, so she got to bed only few hours before, plus she had been feeling a little under the weather lately.

Olivia greeted Tanzee on her way in and went to the dressing room, where she changed her shirt, picked up her apron and head-band.

It was around lunch time, when Harold and some other guy came in. Olivia was sitting outside, waiting for clients to come so she could take their orders and the café also had tables outside during the summer period. Harold greeted Olivia and asked for Tanzee, who was getting some supplies from the back and also – at least in Olivia's opinion – trying to piss off the chef. The other guy stayed outside as he was finishing his cigarette. He came to stand beside Olivia and started conversation.

"So what's new?" the guy asked Olivia.

"My head is close to exploding and I still have 5 hours until I get off," Olivia complained jokingly, "What about you?"

"I still have hours until I can open a bottle of beer," the guy joked.

"Oh, poor you," Olivia said mockingly.

"I know," the guy accepted her condolences and laughed.

"I work with Harold," the guy said, "And we just finished for the day."

"I work with Tanzee and I wish I could be finished for today," Olivia said.

The guy threw his cigarette butt to the trash can and leaned over the wall by Olivia's side. He felt content for a moment watching Olivia take order as some clients had come and she had to work. She took orders, sent it to kitchen and brought cold beverages to the tables. She was surprised to see the guy still waiting where she left him.

Olivia came back to sit by the guy. They chatted about nothing for 2 hours, long after Harold had left Tanzee. Olivia had to tend to clients occasionally, but the guy stayed in the same spot. He finally left and promised to drop by again.

That he did – the next day Harold and his work mate came by, Harold went to Tanzee, while the other guy stayed outside with Olivia. They chatted over nothing for hours like the day before. In the end he asked if he had to come again the next day and Olivia said yes, though she was halfway joking, while hoping to see the guy again. Funny thing being – she even didn't know his name.

It was on the 5th day when Harold and his friend came by, but Olivia was not working. She had gone shopping earlier and just happened to be at the pizza place, chatting with Tanzee, when they came. Instantly Olivia went outside, where Harold's friend was finishing a cigarette.

"Hoping to see me?" Olivia asked, causing the guy to turn and notice Olivia out of her work apron.

"You're not working today?" he asked.

"No," Olivia said.

"I like you better out of that uniform," he decided after looking over Olivia in short jeans and regular t-shirt.

"Thanks, I guess," Olivia was hesitant.

Olivia lit up her cigarette and they took a set at vacant table. Both settling down and waiting for the other to make a move.

"I'm Olivia," Olivia said and held out her hand.

"David," he said.

"Pleasure," Olivia said.

"Likewise," David agreed, "Have plans for tonight?"

Olivia shook her head.

"I like to say that the plan is that there isn't one," Olivia said simply, giving away her commonly used sentence.

"I like your idea," he said with a smile.

Olivia smiled.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" he asked.

"I'm working until 3pm, but after that I have no plans," she said.

"Tomorrow is the soccer match between NYPD and some school team," he said casually.

A smile played on Olivia's lips, but she hid it quickly. "I know, I thought about going there," she said knowingly.

"I'll come by this place at 3pm, so we can go together?" he asked.

"Sure," she agreed.

The conversation went on to general soccer and everything, but the same nothing they had talked over past days. Olivia learned that David dropped out of high school, but he has spent enough time working at construction site to know more that some specialists – in his opinion anyway, while David learned about Olivia's successful High School Graduation and her plans to leave Manhattan in a little over a month. She could've sworn that he frowned a little after she told him about going to Siena.

They said their goodbye, when David had to go, so Olivia went home and in her mind she was already living in the next day.

Serena was not at home and she was not supposed to be in few days, so Olivia enjoyed the time she could spend alone. She had her radio turned on while she read a book. It was close to midnight, when her landline woke her from her thoughts.

"Hello," she said to the phone, surprised by late phone call.

"It's David. I got your number from Tanzee, I hope it's okay," a familiar voice said at the other end.

"It's okay, I wasn't asleep," Olivia assured him.

"Tanzee mentioned that you like to stay awake for long hours," David commented.

"I like night better than the day," Olivia confirmed and turned down the radio, butterflies in her stomach as she waited to hear what David wanted.

"I was wondering if you'd like to go out for a coffee?" he asked.

Olivia smiled, "At this hour?" she teased, but before David could say anything she continued, "Sure, where would you like to go?"

"Your pizza place seems to be a nice fit," he suggested.

"Meet you there in 30?" Olivia asked.

David agreed to that and both hang up their phones.

They met at the place in 30 minutes as they agreed. When Olivia got there David was already sitting behind a desk.

"Hey," she greeted.

"Let's get coffee," he said and let Olivia enter before him.

He ordered their coffees and they took it to go, even though they had no plan to leave. Olivia noticed how David used 3 creams and 3 sugars for his coffee, while she preferred it black. They sat down behind a table and continued to get to know each other. After a while they decided to take a walk down by the night city, turning to Central Park. Olivia had always enjoyed night walks, when the city seemed to be asleep and everything was quiet.

She made it back home around 3 am, and she went straight to bed. Tomorrow was gonna be a long day. In her mind she felt happy to have made a new friend – Tanzee was always spending time with Harold and they rarely got together anymore, so she was happy to have a new friends. Despite knowing him for less than a week, she felt like she had known him for much longer.

***SVU***

Olivia had missed work for 3 days now and her throat ache didn't seem to go away, so she ended up in an ER. Came out she had inflammation in her tonsils and they had to be removed. That's how she end up in a patient bed at the beginning of August, while she was planning on enjoying her last month at home.

Tanzee was notified, when Olivia had to let her boss know, that she was in a hospital and can't work her next shifts. That's why Tanzee came by to visit Olivia, and the only news Olivia could give her was that she was going to surgery on the next day. Tanzee stayed for about an hour, she mostly talked about Harold and her plans for the night with their new friends, including David.

That's how David found out – he went to see Olivia, but she wasn't there and Harold had heard it from Tanzee. David also came to the hospital to visit Olivia, he enjoyed making jokes of her – she seemed so fragile in the hospital bed with IV attached to her arm. He managed to convince the doctors that he was her boyfriend and one nurse was kind enough to let him stay at the hospital for the night. He slept every night Olivia was in hospital on those uncomfortable chairs, leaving her side, when he had to go to work, or when Serena was expected to drop by – for once Serena was sober, when she visited her daughter, but she didn't stay for long.

Olivia got to home 4 days later, minus one tonsil – the surgeon had decided to keep the other one inside, since it was not collapsed. She was prescribed heavy painkillers and antibiotics. She was grateful not having to go home alone, because was there. She had nothing against walking alone, but during those 4 days she had barely eaten anything and she felt so tired, so it was good to have someone supporting her.

Serena was not at home, when Olivia got there. David helped her to her room, she could feel his eyes wondering around the place, in all modesty he left, when Olivia was changing. He couldn't help but wonder what had happened to make her upper arms covered with scars. And he could swore he saw scar tissue peeking from under her shirt, that was a little too short, but not inappropriate. David chose not to push the subject this time and let her go to sleep. He decided to sleep on the couch and Olivia was okay with that.

***SVU***

The next two weeks, when Olivia had to eat antibiotics and had her check with the doctor passed too fast. David visited Olivia often and they even sometimes went out to sit in Central Park, but he avoided having a cigarette in front of her, because Olivia was denied that for the time being. She also met with Tanzee and learned about new developments about her and Harold.

It was mid-August, when Olivia was declared fit again. She terminated her contract at the pizza place – didn't seem fit to go back to work for a week. She spent her night outside with David, Tanzee, Carl, Harold, Alar and some other guys and girls she didn't know that well. To be honest they drank too much and smoke too much. Olivia had met David's granny, with whom he was living with – his father came out to be an ex-drunk now living with his new wife and his mother moved to Chicago, when David was still 10. He used to live with his older sister, but for most of the time after his parents split up and created new life David spent it with his grandparents. His granny seemed to be delighted by Olivia and Olivia liked the older woman.

Olivia also learned that the drunk guy David at that party, was the same she now called her best friend. She didn't mind and in fact she didn't like to be that judgmental of people – she was glad, because otherwise she never would have gotten to know the amazing guy David is. The two of them spent enough time debating over Napoleon and quantum physics to realize, that David is smarter than one would guess and he was attracted to her brain.

It was another night with David and Olivia at his place and a bottle of rum on the table, both enjoying the alcohol. The radio was on, creating background as two friends enjoyed each other company in solitude. It wasn't uncomfortable, in fact it felt like no words are needed between the two.

Olivia was wearing a gray long sleeved t-shirt, but she had rolled up the sleeves due to the summer heat. David casually ran his fingers on her left hand, where Olivia had written her name years ago. She quickly pushed his fingers away and rolled the sleeve down.

"How'd you get that?" he asked.

"Stupidity," Olivia said, convinced that's all it is.

"Doesn't seem like that to me," David said unconvincingly.

Olivia turned away and ignored him. David took her silence as answer and chose not to push the subject any further.

"A cigarette pause?" he asked changing the topic.

Olivia nod.

They went to the kitchen, David opened the window and lighted up their cigarettes. David turned himself, so he could turn on the radio here. Neither of them said a word, instead listened to the song from the radio.

"I'll meet you at midnight, underneath the moonlight," David sang along.

"I'll meet you at midnight," Olivia continued with a small smile, "But Jean-Claude, Louise-Marie will never be."

"Each cigarette would light a thousand faces," David smiled.

"Midnight was turning into empty spaces, the sound of laughter disappeared," Olivia concluded the second verse.

Both of them sang along to the chorus, but when Chris Normann was done, so were them. They put out their cigarettes and went back to the living room.

"I'll meet you at midnight," David sang to her, the tune still in his mind.

"You know I like Smokie," Olivia stated.

"This could be our song?" David asked with a smile.

Olivia shook her head, ruffled his dark blonde hair and leaned in, "We don't need a song," she whispered to his ear and pulled back.

David laughed, "But it's my new favorite and every time I hear it, you'll come to my mind," he said.

"Good, so you'll have something to remember me by, because I'll be gone in less than a week," she was smug.

"Go get your education, so you could be smarter than me," David teased.

"I already am smarter than you," she argued.

"Nope, nobody is smarter than Russell," David said referring to his last name as he did, when he was drunk or overly self-confident or both as he was in current situation.

"Keep dreaming on," Olivia said and raised an eyebrow.

David turned to look at her, but chose not to say anything as he saw the threatening look in her usually soft brown orbs.

He finished her alcohol from the glass and poured himself some rum and mixed it with Coke, then added some to Olivia, because her glass was almost empty too.

"You can talk you know," he suggested, remembering the scars on her forehand.

"Nothing to talk about," Olivia joked, refusing to open herself up as she was leaving in a week, plus she wasn't sure if David could keep everything to himself.

"I'm just saying. If you want to, you can," he said seriously.

Olivia looked at him to see that he was serious and he wasn't joking around. She nod to let him know that she'll think about it, but there's no way in hell that she'll open herself to him just yet, even though he makes her feel safe – much safer than anyone else has in a long time.

David reached over and put one of his hands around Olivia's shoulders and pulled her head to his shoulder. He ran his hand gently on her shoulder, soothing.

"You'll be okay," he said softly.

Olivia had to hold back tears, but still they fell from her eyes into his shirt. David didn't say a word. Instead he scooted closer and wrapped his other hand around her, resting it on her back as he tried to offer her some comfort.

Her tears stopped coming after a moment, but he didn't pull away and she was hoping he never will, because it's been a long since anyone has hold her and she didn't have to think about the concealed motives that person might have. She had been betrayed so many times already, mostly by Tanzee, so she was having hard time believing anyone could want to be her friend. She had hard time believing anyone would want her at all.

"It's gonna be okay, Liv," he whispered, "You'll make it."

Another tears fell from her eyes, because no-one had ever told her anything like that. No-one had encouraged her and comforted her. Every time she had let herself be vulnerable, someone else had used that weakness to force her into even deeper hole she was digging.

Maybe David could change the pattern?

***SVU***

She turned nineteen just days ago, having a newfound friend,  
and every scar he wants to know so at last he can mend  
her broken heart, her broken soul she so carefully broke.  
He tries to put her back to whole, breathes in the stuffy smoke  
Silently he gives her his strength - all he has to offer,  
And always stays at her arm's length, hoping she won't suffer.


	6. Twenty

"Class dismissed," the lecturer announced.

Olivia dropped her notebook and pencil in the bag and lifted her backbag over her shoulder. She followed Joanna, Tony, Rachel, Kaleb, Peter and Mary to the cafeteria. They took one of the tables with couches and sat down, though neither of them wanted to have lunch, but the cafeteria was a perfect place, where to wait until their next lecture started.

"You wanna go out?" Olivia asked Tony, as both of them had a nasty habit of having an occasional cigarette.

Tony nod.

They took out their cigarette packs and went to the side of the building, where the bicycles were parked. Both of them lit the cigarette and enjoyed it in silence, then fell into familiar conversation about the plans of their night – a housewarming party of one senior.

As the cigarette burned out, the conversation died and they went back inside to their friends.

"Tony, are you coming tonight?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah," Tony replied.

"So what do we get for a gift?" Mary asked.

"Snow shovel?" Kaleb asked – the winter had been rough on them and mostly those living in apartments had to start their mornings by shoveling their way out of the house.

"Mouse trap," Peter proposed.

"They were asking for common household items like toilet paper," Olivia pointed out.

"We are not getting them a roll of toilet paper and tooth paste," Rachel said confidently.

"It's not what I thought," Olivia protested.

"Yeah, yeah. Tony, what are you thinking?" Peter asked.

"I'm coming with Carly and we're making our own gift," Tony said easily, Carly was his girlfriend which made up a great love-triangle or something, or in this case more like a love row. Peter liked Rachel, Rachel was taken in by Tony, Tony liked Carly and rumor is that Carly liked Tony's brother Barney, who happened to be in a serious relationship after he got over Carly. And Olivia? She's standing on her own.

"So, Kaleb what are we doing?" Peter asked. Peter was the guy, who followed others, his number one was Tony and Kaleb was the second one. He was not afraid to say his opinion and he always had the right one, at least in his mind. Also he had his idea of everything and anyone, and since Olivia was one other person with strong will and ideas, they clashed quite often. Peter liked to generalize everything, which sometimes made Olivia furious. Peter was a rather big guy – in all senses – and his beard along with long brown hair made him look dangerous, but Olivia had never seen him use violence. He was well accepted in the group, but everybody knew what he was like and most decided not to protest, besides he was resourceful and his parents were both working at Siena – father is the head of Environmental studies department and mother is a chemistry lecturer. Coincident was that the current group formed in another chemistry lab.

"I'd go with toilet paper or something else essential, we're all students and no reason to waste our money on something pointless," Kaleb said easily.

"We could also give them some first aid equipment like Band-Aid or painkillers," Mary suggested.

"No, we get something special for them," Rachel fought.

"What are you getting?" Peter turned to Tony.

"You'll see," Tony said.

They looked at the time and ran to another lecture, which is about environmental geology.

Olivia climbed to the back row, most of her friends sitting in front of her, but some people she knew were in the same row.

The lecturer started and Olivia's mind drifted to the one waiting in home, the one she desperately needed to talk with – David.

After that lecture Olivia ran to her psychology lecture, in which she minored – the chemistry and environmental studies were just her curiosity, but her major was history. Olivia figured that if she has to be here for some time and her mother is paying for it, then she might as well take everything Siena has to offer.

She got home, when she was actually supposed to go to the housewarming party. She really wanted to go there, but there was one thing holding her back – she really wanted to take a night off and talk to David.

Olivia was still living in campus, she shared a room with a girl named Risa, but they barely got along. To no surprise Risa was out again – she was the party girl, plus the girl had a good figure and she was not scared to show it. Olivia was positive, that Risa's waistband was not that tight and willing to come off the moment an attractive male was in sights.

She greeted Rita, grabbed her wallet from the bag, along with a pack of cigarettes and lighter, then discarded it under the bed and left the room without changing her clothes. She had about 10 minutes until she had to meet with the others, so she got out of the house and looked for a payphone in front of the campus building, she knew it was somewhere there.

Finally she found one and dialed for David's home, he knew the number by heart, mostly because David studied her landline and Olivia couldn't be outdone, studied his.

"Hello," an elderly woman answered, he supposed it was his grandmother.

"Hey, is David home?" she asked.

"He is. Who is talking?" the woman asked.

"It's Olivia said easily.

"Oh, wait one moment," David's grandmother said.

Olivia heard the woman call for David and a distant male voice. She had to take off her glove to dial the number and hold the phone, but she could feel her hands freezing by now, but she didn't put the glove on, instead put more coins to the phone.

"Hey Liv, miss me already?" David asked smugly, as he took the phone.

"Of course not, but I was worried that you'd do something idiotic if you don't hear from me over two days," Olivia teased.

"Could be true, but to make it clear, then I haven't done anything stupid, but I might have a new girl – Christy. What's new with you?" David asked.

"I'm boring, I just go to school and go home. But I'm glad that you have someone, you've been so pathetic without one," Olivia said.

"I know. It's horrible being without a woman for such a long time," David complained.

"Oh, poor you," Olivia was trying to be compassionate.

"When are you coming home?" David asked.

"I don't know, I was just home during the Christmas, it's been what… a month?" Olivia said and shivered further, when she dropped some more coins in the machine.

"I wish you'd be here more often," he said honestly.

"Me too, but I have my school and I can't quit it," Olivia was serious.

"And I don't want you to. I meant what I told you about a year ago," David said.

"You have told me so many things, I don't know what you mean," she replied.

"If you quit, then I will make an exception and hit a woman. I really don't want to do it, so please stay in Siena and graduate."

"I'll do my best, I promise."

Olivia heard David laugh and she could almost see his face.

"Is there still as freezing as the last time you called?"

"No, it's even worse. I'm positive my hand will drop off if I keep talking to you." She said and an involuntary shiver crossed her body.

"At least you have two hands," David commented.

Olivia laughed and held the phone between her shoulder and head, so she could light a cigarette.

"A cigarette pause," she said to David.

"Agreed," David replied.

She heard David move and his grandmother shout something, but soon in disappeared and the distant voice of radio playing appeared instead – he was in the kitchen.

"Tanzee and Harold are on the rocks, he moved back home few weeks ago," David said, "Have you talked to Tanzee?"

"Oh, that's unexpected. She didn't tell me anything, but I talked to her in November I believe. She's not good at keeping touch after she found Harold. I've tried, but she never has time," Olivia said sadly.

"It'll pass, besides you have me. Honey, I promise you to always be by your side," David was cheesy.

Olivia smiled and sudden warmth took over her, even though she was still freezing from the low temperature.

"I know, you're a great friend," she said and dropped the cigarette butt on the snow.

"I do my best. So, how are you doing?" he asked, carefully poking the subject.

"I'm fine," she replied automatically, knowing exactly why he was asking, but she was nowhere ready to talk about it. But she wanted to tell him, that she has been clean for 43 days by now – it's not usual for her to make it past 30, but this time she has.

The silence took over the call.

"Look, I have to go, we're going out tonight," Olivia said after she remembered her plans.

"Be good. Don't drink too much and get back home safely," David said.

"Bye," Olivia said with a smile.

"Bye," David replied.

Olivia didn't have to hang up the call, instead it was cut off.

"Perfect timing," she said out loud and looked proud of herself.

She pulled the glove over her hand and moaned as she felt some amount of warmth return to her hand. She walked towards the meeting spot and pushed David out of her mind. She practiced and put the smile back on her face, so by the time she met her friends, all the doubt and sadness was wiped from her features and she looked happy as ever.

They settled for buying some household items and then entered the big apartment. A lot of people was there, including some of who she didn't recognize, but there were familiar faces. She followed her friends to the food table and accepted a drink from the host.

Olivia, Kaleb and Rachel found free spots on the couch and took a seat. Kaleb and Rachel entered their own conversation and Olivia was left alone. She looked around in the party and realized that even though she knows some people, she is still alone. It's funny how some time ago on the phone with David she felt so good and secure about herself – she felt like she had someone, but she wasn't sure if she had felt more alone in this room full of people.

She dropped her plate on the table and grabbed her coat – she needed a cigarette. Once in front of the house, she lit the cigarette and started walking in circles. She looked at side and remembered that about a year ago, when she was a freshmen, she almost kissed Tony right there. She shook her head, thinking of how stupid it was, but she wanted to kiss him, if only her insecurities would bulge and let her live her life.

It was not likely to happen in near future.

She was about to leave and go home, when the front door opened and Christian walked out. He was senior (or something) and Olivia knew her. Truth to be told,

"Hey, Olivia. What are you doing out here?" he asked politely.

"Hey, I'm just ruining my health," she replied.

"If that's what you want," he said.

"Yeah, I guess it is," she decided.

"Well, I won't be on your way then. I'm heading home," Christian said and waved to Olivia.

Olivia returned the gesture and waited for Christian to disappear from her sight, then she left too. She knew Christian was living also in the campus and they have the same road, but she didn't feel like talking to someone in the moment.

For some weird reason she felt incredibly guilty for leaving the way she did, she kept on thinking about all the things she could miss, but she couldn't drag herself back to the room, when she'd rather just enjoy the silence. It was only then, that she remembered that Risa was supposed to be out, so she could enjoy some silence in the dorm.

It took Olivia about 20 minutes to get back to her room and Risa was out indeed. Her jacket fell to the closet floor along with her hat, scarf, boots and gloves. She took out her wallet and found a razor blade inside the secret pocket. Olivia held it in her hands and debated on how to act, because she wanted to do it so badly, but she knew she shouldn't.

In the end her desperate need won out and she took the wrapper away and sat on her bed. She pulled the sweat shirt over her head and pushed her t-shirt sleeve as up as possible. Olivia ran her fingers over her left upper arm, rememorizing the scars covering her skin, then looked over at her right hand – it barely had any cuts on it.

Olivia looked down and heavily took the razor blade in her left hand. She ran it gently over her skin, not cutting it until she reached the upper arm. On the inside of her right upper arm, she pulled a straight line, winced at the familiar pain. The second incision was a half circle. Her eyes fell on her hand and a smile graced her features. A letter "D" shined back at her, the blood dripping slowly from the cuts. A moment later the pain from the cut hit her, but she ignored it. She couldn't ignore the way blood ran down and threatened to drop on her white sheets, so she looked for a tissue and covered her hand with it. She also cleaned the razor blade from the blood and looked for the discarded wrapper, covered the blade and put it back in her wallet.

By the time the pain had faded and a spot on her hand felt cold instead, but she was long familiar with the feelings. She took the tissue away to check for bleeding, but it still hadn't stopped. She pressed her left palm roughly to the spot and grabbed a book from the shelf. Olivia got comfortable on her bed, opened the book and continued reading "Wuthering Heights" while holding a tissue on her hand, where her skin had been cut just moments ago.

She made a point to remind herself, that she's not proud of what she did and she was no longer on day 43, but instead back to zero.

***SVU***

Olivia got off the bus and walked away from the stop.

"Liv!"

Olivia turned around to see, who was calling for her and smile appeared on her face, when she saw David coming towards her.

"I've missed you girl," he said and pulled Olivia in for a hug.

"I missed you too," she responded.

After he released her, he took his bag and threw it over his shoulder.

"How does it feel to be back home?" he asked.

"I'm here for 2 days only and I came to check out your new girlfriend," Olivia replied.

David smiled.

They got to his car and David drove Olivia home with a promise to come pick her up later, because they were having a party the night, so Olivia could discretely check out the girl she has been hearing about, except it's no longer Christy, it is Hailey.

Her mother was home, waiting for Olivia.

"Hey kiddo," Serena said the moment Olivia closed the door and Serena came to view.

"Oh god," Olivia muttered under her breath.

Serena came towards Olivia with a wide smile and she pulled Olivia into his embrace, to which Olivia didn't respond as it took her by surprise.

"Hey mother," she said.

Serena released Olivia and looked over her daughter.

"You've gained some weight," she commented after looking at Olivia intensely and went back to kitchen.

Olivia raised an eyebrow at Serena's comment, but didn't respond. She walked to her room instead and dropped her things on the floor.

"I made rice with chicken," Serena announced from the kitchen.

"Coming," Olivia shouted.

Olivia looked over her room and suddenly it seemed so empty – most of her belongings were in her dorm room and since she barely came home, she didn't need to have that much things at home. Her eyes stopped at her high school diploma and honor letter she got as one of the best graduates in Manhattan. There was a photo of her on the desk that she never liked. As part of her routine, she hid the diploma and honor letter in the drawer and placed her photo on the table face down. Those things meant a lot to Serena, but not to her.

"The food is ready," Serena called again.

This time Olivia appeared in the kitchen, where Serena had set the table. She noticed a bottle of red wine on the table and two glasses.

Serena smiled, when she noticed Olivia and filled the plates with rice, then took the wine and poured it to her, hesitated and then poured some to Olivia.

"I'm underage," Olivia commented – she was only 20.

"One glass of wine is good for your health," Serena said simply.

"If you say so," she said quietly through her teeth.

While they ate, Serena asked about Olivia's life in Siena and she was concerned about the lack of boys in her life.

"You should get a boyfriend," Serena was blunt.

"I don't have time to have a boyfriend between working at the café and going to school," Olivia excused, it was not the first time Serena brought up the topic.

"Find someone for yourself, it's good for you," Serena persuaded.

Olivia stared her mother intensely but stayed quiet. She sipped the wine, which was actually very good.

"How much are you drinking these days?" Serena asked.

"I'm barely drinking at all, what's with the interrogation?" Olivia asked.

"I've just seen so many youngsters coming to college, drinking a little too much and then dropping out like flies. I don't want to see it happen to you," Serena said.

Olivia felt sudden rage inside of her, but she controlled herself and she postponed her reaction.

"I'm not drinking and my grades are good," Olivia said simply.

"It's good. I'm proud of you my little girl," Serena said with a smile.

Even though her praise seemed genuine, Olivia couldn't accept it, because all of her life Serena had manipulated her into doing whatever she wanted and Olivia's decision came second. Unfortunately Olivia discovered it while she was already in Siena doing exactly what her mother wants her to do. All that's left is trying to figure out if some part of it is also her wish and case it's not, then she needs to find what she wants.

Olivia finished dinner and descended to her room afterwards. Serena did the dishes and the doorbell rang after she had finished. Olivia didn't need to see him, but it was her mother's friend Robert Spencer, they worked together and for a long time Olivia was certain, that the man was her biological father, but the guy didn't have brown eyes like she did.

She could hear distant talking from the kitchen and her mother giggling at something – it made her feel sick to her stomach for some reason. So she pulled her hoody over her head, collected all she needed and left her room.

"Olivia, so nice to see you," Robert greeted.

"Nice to see you too," Olivia lied.

"You going out?" Serena asked.

Olivia nod.

"Take your keys," Serena said.

Olivia fished the keys from her pocket, waved with them and placed them back in her pocket. She quickly pulled the coat and hat on, then left the apartment.

"Don't stay too late," Serena shouted afterwards.

She ran down the stairs and took the cigarette pack away from her belt, where she hid it – Serena was oblivious to her daughter's habits, even though she had caught Olivia when she was still in the middle school and in high school, but not later.

Olivia lighted the cigarette, when she was at safe distance from her home and looked for a payphone. David answered almost immediately.

"Hello," he said.

"Hey, it's me," Olivia said.

"Liv, missed me already?" David teased.

"Yes, look my mother has Robert visiting and I really can't be there, so I was hoping that maybe we can start the night a little earlier," Olivia said nervously.

"Where are you?" David asked.

Olivia looked at the streets and gave David her address. David promised to come pick her up, even though she was not far from his place.

David was there in short time and they made a stop to get alcohol – once again David had to buy for Olivia as well, because she is still under 21. They picked out some bottles of wine and vodka, then got to David's place. Others hadn't arrived yet, but Olivia took her place on the couch and opened the bottle of wine, while David moved around with a glass of wine in hand. He opened the dresser and looked at the shirts he had, while he took off the one he was wearing.

"And here I thought that you have learned some decency," Olivia commented.

"It's dirty, I need to change," David said casually and turned to Olivia, exposing his muscular chest and abs in the process.

"You do your thing," Olivia said casually.

David nod, picked out a white t-shirt from the dresser and turned to Olivia once again.

"You're not afraid of falling for me, aren't you?" David teased.

"No, there's not a chance," she said, even though it was a lie – she might fall for David (if she hasn't already).

"There's no shame, you know. I do have the most beautiful eyes in Manhattan and muscular toned body to match it with. I'm a good catch, and I think you know it," David teased confidently.

"Now you're just trying to get me to boost your ego," Olivia realized, "That's not gonna happen," she added.

David smirked and placed the glass on the table beside her. He sit at her side and in a smooth motion wrapped his arms around her middle and pulled her to him, while landing on his back on the couch. He looked at her intensely and Olivia returned the look, but then the door opened and their friends entered, saving Olivia and David from the awkward moment.

Olivia met up with Hailey and chatted with Tanzee, who talked about Harold for an eternity. At the end of the party Olivia found herself in a company of Alar and she enjoyed it too. She though refused to let Alar walk her home, instead she practically ran away when she realized how drunk she was and how late it was. Serena would kill her, if she'd know how late Olivia stayed out.

She met up with David the next day, but she didn't stay too late and then it was back to Siena. Serena sent Olivia off in the bus station and hugged her again, which made Olivia feel suffocated. But to her luck she only got to see her mother once in a month or so.

***SVU***

The winter had fallen in March and the Siena students had to celebrate that with a picnic. Olivia was there along with her friends, trying to fit into the group. She was about to leave and go back to dorm with Risa, who had been pissed at Olivia because she was a heavy sleeper.

She bumped into Caitlin – the same girl whose housewarming party was a few months ago.

"Leaving already?" Caitlin asked.

"Yeah, my head hurts," Olivia replied, this time it was the truth – her head was hurting indeed.

"Fresh air tends to do that sometimes," Caitlin said with a smirk.

Olivia laughed and agreed, then made a move to leave, but Caitlin stopped her.

"Hey, you had a bad roommate in the dorm, right?" Caitlin asked.

"Yeah, we don't get along that well," Olivia confirmed.

"Do you want to move to my place? I'm gonna graduate soon and my room is free. You'd be sharing the apartment with Martin, Austin, Cristina and Anne," Caitlin offered.

Olivia looked around and made a face, waiting for someone to come and tell her it's a joke, but nobody came. She smiled and nod slightly.

"I'd like to move very much," Olivia said.

Caitlin smiled too, "It's good. I'm gonna move out in a month, so that's when you should move in. We can talk about details a bit later, but I'm glad that you're interested."

"Thanks for the offer," Olivia said genuinely.

"Of course. I'll let you go now. Guess we'll keep in touch," Caitlin said.

"Yeah, guess so," Olivia agreed and moved away.

Olivia placed her hands in her jeans pockets and pulled the hood over her had to protect her ears from the cold wind that suddenly hit her. She looked back at the group and smiled for what it seemed first time in forever.

Her life was in pieces and she was ready to crumble at any given moment, though she prayed that it never happened. She was not okay and healthy – the scars on her arms and lower abdomen proved that and it wasn't much help that David was so far away and lately too busy to talk to Olivia as often. Plus she had grown extremely curious about her father, but she had no leads to go on with. Yeah, maybe she'd make a good police officer, but she needed to pull herself together first.

But she smiled as she walked away, because for the longest time she felt like she had nothing, but now she had a prospect of having her own room in an apartment not far from the campus. She could have a place, where she could hide from the world and just be without anyone interrupting…

She had a prospect of having something that belonged to just her.

***SVU***

She turned twenty just days ago, finally in new place,  
But her healing is still so slow without seeing his face.  
Once again she feels so alone just like she did before,  
she needs something to call her own, but for now she is sore.  
The razor cuts deep through her skin, her blood causing harm,  
even her friend so far has been, his name is on her arm.


	7. Twenty One

Olivia sat in her room, her door was closed and the dim light illuminated the room. She was in the middle of the bed with tears in her eyes and a glass of whiskey in her hand. She glanced up at the wall, where a photo of her and David was located, and another set of tears hit her.

"Damn you, David," she whispered and wiped away the fresh set of tears.

Olivia sipped the whiskey, enjoying the familiar burning in her throat along the way.

***SVU***

Olivia walked through the busy streets of Manhattan until a car honked by her side. It was Alar, who rolled down the window and called for Olivia to come inside.

"Where are you heading?" he asked.

"David," Olivia said heavily.

"I'll take you. I was supposed to go see him anyway," he said.

Olivia nod thankfully, even though it was spring already, it was still pretty cold and wet outside.

"So, how's the college life treating you?" Alar asked.

"I'm doing okay. One more year to go," Olivia replied.

"It's good. Any plans after you graduate?" Alar asked.

Olivia smiled.

"You know this is one question you're not supposed to ask me. At Siena we have unspoken rule of two questions you are not supposed to ask: what are you doing afterwards and when are you having kids," Olivia explained.

"Got it," Alar replied.

"What the hell happened with David?" Olivia asked, as she got a vague phone call from Tanzee in the morning, but she had no details.

"He was drinking, when he did it. I guess he has been on the edge for quite some time, but I don't know the details," Alar said.

"How's Liz taking it?" Olivia asked, Liz was David's new girlfriend who had taken imminent dislike for Olivia and thus Olivia and David had tried to keep their distance, but somehow they managed to find their way back to each other.

"She's screaming and being pissed at everybody, mostly you. She's convinced you talked him into this," Alar said.

"Great," Olivia mumbled.

They reached the hospital, where David was and Alar parked his car. Both of them got out and went inside, where a nurse directed them to David's room. There was a police officer at the door.

"I'm sorry, but you can't go in there," the police officer said.

Olivia and Alar shared a look.

"Why not?" Olivia asked.

"He's in suicide watch and at this moment a doctor is in there with him," the officer explained.

"But after the doctor is done, can we then see him?" Olivia asked.

The officer shook his head.

"I'm sorry, but it's doctor's orders. They don't want to upset him and so all visitors are banned," the officer said sadly.

Olivia let out a breath of frustration and turned to Alar, asking him for what to do now.

"Stabler," called a detective, who came from the hallway.

"Yes?" officer Stabler turned to the detective.

"What's going on in here?" the detective asked.

"Visitors," Stabler explained.

The older detective turned to Olivia and Alar. He took out his shield and showed it.

"Hi, I'm detective Victor Morris and I've been assigned your friends case," the detective introduced, "By any chance is one of you Liv or Olivia?" he asked.

"It's me. I'm Olivia, but David calls me Liv," Olivia said.

"Would you mind answering some questions?" the detective asked.

"Only if I can see him," Olivia said firmly.

The detective nod. He pointed at some chairs by the wall and Olivia headed there, followed by the detective. They both sat down and the detective took out his pad and pen.

"So, Olivia…?" he asked.

"Olivia Benson," Olivia clarified.

"Ms. Benson, how well do you know David Russell?" Morris asked.

"I met him about 3 years ago, but I'm a student at Siena and we don't meet that often," Olivia explained.

"And what's your relationship status?" Morris asked.

"We're friends or best friends even, something like that. It's completely platonic, he has a girlfriend named Liz," Olivia replied.

Morris nod and made some notes on his pad.

"Has he shown signs of depression before?" he asked.

Olivia took a moment to think and then it hit her – it all was so clear.

"Yes, he had talked about suicide a couple of times, the music he listens to, the movies… The signs were all there, but I brushed them off. I thought it was just alcohol talking and I didn't take it seriously," Olivia said, thinking back. David was suicidal and she had missed it…

"So you didn't tell anyone about your suspicions?" Morris asked seriously.

"I had no suspicions. I never put it together before. I knew he was in a rough place, but I haven't been there recently, we had some issues and I kept my distance. Besides it all happened over the summer, which is almost a year ago," Olivia defended herself, "Why are you interested in talking to me about him, I'm sure Liz can give the same answers?"

Detective Morris took the case file from the other chair and flipped through the pictures until he found the one he was looking for. He took out 4 pictures and looked at them seriously.

"I might warn you, that they are not pretty," Morris said and held the pictures up for Olivia.

Olivia hesitated for a moment, but then took the photos. She could feel her heart breaking at the sight of David and his bleeding hand. She looked at the first picture of his right hand with some 7 cuts over his hand, 2 of them had been stitched together. Then she took another picture, which was of his left hand and gasped. There was "OLIVIA" written on the inside of his hand, between his elbow and wrist. It could have been seen how the letter "O" was not as round as it should be as making curves while cutting one's skin is harder to do, but the name shined brightly in reddish tones. Olivia's breathing quickened and she looked at the detective, who was studying her expressions.

Olivia went through the other two photos – one was of David in the hospital room with both of his cut hands visible and the last one was from his upper hand, where was "Liv", but it was not as deep as the others.

"David," Olivia whispered and she felt tears in her face.

"His girlfriend led us to believe that David Russel couldn't have tried to kill himself and so we're investigating," the detective said.

"And I'm your suspect. Why don't you ask Dave about it?" Olivia suggested.

"The doctors gave him sleeping pills and he hasn't woken up yet, but we will talk to him, when he's awake. So now I'm asking you, if you think he's capable of doing something like that?" Morris asked.

"He hasn't been himself lately. Liz has a problem with me and most of his friends. He took it hard, when he was in a position to choose between his girlfriend and other friends, but I'm having hard time believing he'd do something like this. But then again his friends are like family to him and lately it has been hard for him, when all he wants is some peace in his life," Olivia spoke.

"Where were you last night between 8pm and 2 am?" Morris asked seriously.

"At Siena. I was home and I have roommates to prove it," Olivia said.

Morris nod and Olivia was certain that he wouldn't check up on her alibi.

"Looks like I got all I needed. I'll let you see your friend now," Morris said.

They got up and walked back to the room, where officer Stabler and Alar were waiting.

"Give them some time with Mr. Russell," detective instructed the officer at the door.

Officer Stabler opened the door for Olivia and Alar, who got inside. While Alar went to David's bedside, Olivia stayed in the back and just watched her friend in the hospital bed. He seemed so peaceful in his sleep and Olivia couldn't believe for a moment that he had tried to take his own life not so long ago. Her eyes shifted to his bare hands, which were covered with bandages, some wounds were open. But then again she knew exactly what to wait – she had seen the pictures.

Suddenly it all felt too much.

"I have to go use the restroom. Will you stay here?" Olivia asked Alar.

"Yeah, I'll be here," Alar confirmed.

Olivia went out of the door and headed towards the restroom. She splashed some water on her face and looked at her reflection in the mirror. It was only then that she noticed how sick she looked – her face was pale, there were bags under her eyes and exhaustion was written all over her.

She took a couple of deep breaths and left the restroom. The officer guarding the door noticed her immediately and stood up.

"Olivia?" he asked with hesitation.

"Yes?" Olivia replied.

"I'm… I'm really sorry about your friend. I hope you understand that we need to investigate all the aspects of the case and determine if it was a suicide attempt or did he have some assistance," Stabler explained.

"I'm sorry about him too," Olivia agreed.

"If you leave your contact information, then I can inform you of the conclusion, once the detectives are done with the investigation," Stabler offered.

Olivia looked down, "I have a landline in the apartment, but I share it with some other students," she explained.

Elliot gave her the notepad he had in his pocket and Olivia wrote down the number. After that Elliot reached into his pockets and took out a card. He gave it to Olivia.

"In case you need anything," he explained.

"Thank you officer Stabler," Olivia thanked.

"Elliot. My name is Elliot Stabler," he said.

Olivia gave him a polite smile and buried the card deep into her jeans pocket.

***SVU***

The whiskey burned as she emptied yet another glass. The razor blade was on the bed beside her, and she kept on looking at it. She hadn't used it yet, but the temptation was high. She hadn't heard from officer Stabler or any detectives, but it had been just a few days.

The card Stabler had given him was on the other side of her. She looked at it and somehow everything felt better – like her best friend didn't try to kill himself, like she wasn't a suspect in the crime, like her friends didn't dislike her – just like everything was okay and she was just a normal college girl.

The memories from the past weekend kept on storming her mind, and that led her to drink, so she could forget everything that went down in Manhattan, NY over the course of 2 days.

***SVU***

Alar opened the door for her after he took the keys from her as she couldn't find the lock. To her luck Serena was at a conference for the weekend, so she had the apartment to herself.

"Do you want water or something?" Alar asked politely.

He closed the door behind them and locked it.

Olivia shook her head weakly – after visiting David she had gone straight to the bar and Alar had kept her at bay. When it was closing time, he brought her home.

"Where's your room? You should get some sleep," Alar suggested.

Olivia decided to sit down in the middle of the room and take off her sneakers. While she was in the zone, she threw her sweatshirt over her head on the floor, followed by her small bag and socks. As she moved to take the t-shirt over her head, Alar came to stop her.

"Let's get you to bed first, then you can undress," he suggested and held his hand up. She took it and led Alar to her bedroom. She sat down on the bed.

He left her alone for a moment, so she could change and went to the kitchen. He poured water into a glass and took it to Olivia's room. She hadn't move from the spot he left her in before.

"Olivia?" he asked.

She shook her head and turned her face away.

"I know David was your friend and I can't imagine how you must be feeling at this moment. But he's my friend too, so if you want to talk or anything, you can talk to me," he spoke quietly.

Alar kneeled in front of her and placed his hands on her knees, catching her hand in process.

"What do you need?" he asked gently.

Olivia turned to him with few tears falling down her cheeks. She wiped her face and leaned forward to Alar.

"I need you to shut up," she said with exhaustion.

Olivia leaned into confused Alar and pressed her lips against his. He was in a bit of a shock from her actions, but he accepted her kiss and continued it. He slowly got up from the floor and let Olivia pull him on top of her as he back collided with the bed.

He held himself carefully on top of her, when she started tearing off her clothes.

"Are you sure, Liv?" Alar asked.

Olivia nod and hungrily kissed him again.

Alar's hesitation died and he moved confidently on top of her, using the skills he had acquired over the years on her. He took his time caressing and kissing her, eventually using his fingers to toy with her clitor.

They had gotten rid of their clothes, when Olivia suddenly stopped her.

"A condom?" she asked with determination – even when drunk as a sailor she knew what she had to do.

Alar reached for his jeans, found wallet in his pocket and took out a condom he had for emergencies. He gave it to Olivia, but her drunken state stopped her from putting on the condom, so Alar came to rescue. He touched her gently and tried to make sure she was ready, but she didn't give him any verbal or nonverbal signs. He toyed with her opening, until it was wet enough.

He leaned upwards, kissed her lips and positioned himself over her and carefully entered her.

Olivia had to broke the kiss and bit her lips to stop herself from screaming. Her girlfriends had never said it was this painful. She must have tensed up, because Alar looked at her with concern.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, just do you thing," she encouraged. Olivia moved along with his rhythm, trying to act as if she knew what she was doing.

She kissed his neck and shoulder, occasionally biting him as he moved inside of her. Even though Olivia was drunk, she could read his vocals and even though all she could feel was pain, she moaned as if her world was coming undone. She must have done it believable, because just seconds later Alar collapsed on top of her, out of breath, but a satisfied grin on his face.

"You're amazing, Olivia."

"So are you."

Alar smiled and pulled out, he went to bathroom to clean up a bit. Olivia looked over at her naked body, felt the burning between her thighs and suddenly she wanted to hide. The best she could do was pull the covers over herself and turn away.

He returned a few minutes later and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Will you be okay to spend the night alone?" he asked.

Olivia stayed quiet and Alar took it as his sign to leave. Just as he had located his boxers and pulled them on, she spoke.

"Stay."

He stopped looking for his clothes and got back on the bed. He wrapped his hand around her and closed his eyes. Olivia was already half asleep and the realization suddenly hit him – she was drunk and she might regret it in the morning. That thought kept him awake for some time.

***SVU***

Even though Olivia was heartbroken over what happened with David, she couldn't get that night out of her mind. Not that she'd regret it, but it just was there. In fact Olivia didn't know how to feel about it. Alar had always been the nice guy in her eyes and she knew the guy had a thing for her. After all she had met the guy on the same day she met David and Alar had talked about bringing her a ring mere hours after meeting her.

"I guess I could give it a chance," Olivia decided out loud.

She took out the bottle and poured herself some more of the cheapest whiskey and opened her notes on the exam she had in the morning. The tears in her eyes had started to dry and the new ones refused to come, but probably because she was all out of tears. She could barely study, but she did her best, still David kept on crossing her mind more often than not.

Olivia had figured out quite a routine, where she spent most of her days in school, came home studied, drank whiskey or read a book, fell asleep in the middle of the night and about 2-6 hours later woke up. She had regular parties with her friends on Thursdays as some liked to go home on the weekends and therefore Fridays were not an option. At some days she had a feeling like the others didn't quite want her there, but they invited her anyway – maybe out of politeness or to gather a bigger group of people.

Her grades had gone down, but this year she was on her way back and her GPA had risen above 3 again, though it's not who she was at least in her mind. Seems like everything has happened to her in the past years and it still kept on happening.

And now David managed to make the rain clouds surround her once more, after the sun had briefly shone through and she had started to feel confident again. Yet, the moment he chose to end his life, the sun disappeared and it didn't matter, that he failed. He tried and she missed it.

Olivia threw her notes on the floor, placed the glass on the bedside table and leaned back on the bed.

"David, you damned idiot," she cursed out loud.

Her t-shirt rode up and exposed her bare abdomen. Olivia ran her fingers on the skin, tracing her scars. The razor blade was in the drawer right by the bed. There was temptation, but she resisted it. She took deep breaths and stared at the ceiling.

It was her time to cry. It was her hour to cry, because it seemed like in an instant she went from being a regular college student to almost losing her best friend and hooking up with another friend. She had to face the possibility of losing her rock, yet she knew there was nothing she could do to help him, while she was miles away. She had been so consumed by her studies, friends at Siena and her life there that she forgot about her friends and life back in Manhattan. Seemed like she had lost everything, including herself in the process, but now maybe the dust had fallen and she could look around the rubbles to see if she still recognizes herself. If there is enough left of her anyway.

The picture of her and David haunted her. Both of them were smiling, they were happy. Her smiling face haunted her, scoffed at her, yet she was having hard time accepting that this girl was her not so long time ago.

Olivia turned her eyes away and they landed on the drawers by her bed. She didn't even try to fight against it and opened it. The blade was neatly placed between the pages of her notebook. She found the razor blade without difficulties and took it in her hand. She got into a sitting position, her fingers itching to take the blade and draw blood, while her mind tried to fight against the urge. She pressed her palm shut around the blade, so she could no longer see the item. To make sure of that, she closed her eyes as well.

She opened her eyes, when she felt something running down her hand and realized, it was blood. Olivia opened her palm and realized she had pressed the razor blade into her hand and now her hand was bleeding. She quickly abandoned the blade, grabbed a tissue and pressed it against her palm, where she had cut into her skin.

"Fuck," she cursed out loud as she finally registered the pain.

She pressed the tissue tighter and waited for the bleeding to stop and the pain to fade, but it didn't. It grew stronger with every passing moment. Even when the blood finally dried out, the pain was still there and it wasn't just her palm that hurt, it was everything. It was not only physical pain she was feeling, but the one cut had opened her emotional wounds, which caused different kind of pain she couldn't muffle.

She didn't need the razor any more, there was enough pain for the night. Her tears fell down her cheeks, rare drops of blood dripped from her fresh cut and all she could do was muffle her sobs in her pillow and pray for the sleep to claim her before she might do something stupid.

To her luck it did.

***SVU***  
A few weeks after the tragic event, Olivia found a moment to visit her mother and friends back in NY. Somehow she found herself sitting on the couch in David's place once more with a bottle of wine on the table and David sitting right next to her.

"You're an idiot," she stated without looking at him.

David didn't reply.

"It's like you didn't think about anyone. What about Liz, and your granny and Carl and Harold and all of your friends?" Olivia asked, "What about me?" she added in her mind.

"I know. I didn't. I was just drunk and it just happened," David said.

"What made you do it?" Olivia asked with concern.

"I don't know," David replied with slight anger.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know," David was getting more annoyed.

"I could have been there, Dave."

David shifted uncomfortably.

"I was angry," he said finally.

"But what makes you angry?" Olivia asked calmly.

"When people ask the wrong questions," David snapped, quite obviously uncomfortable by Olivia's questions.

Olivia stared at the wall in front of her. She stood up from the couch, crossed her hands and stared at David.

She opened her mouth and closed it as she decided against letting her thoughts out.

"You selfish man," she said against her better judgement. "You son of a bitch. How could you do it to everybody who cares about you? Suicide is the coward's way out."

"It's not coward's way. It takes a lot of courage to do it. I should know," David argued back.

"It might take courage, but it's still coward's way and it's selfish. You thought about yourself and refused to stand up to the problems. You're a coward," Olivia accused.

David stood too, he came to stand in front of her and stared at her. Olivia was close to tears, but she fought against them effectively.

"What the hell am I doing here, I can't be around you as you are trying to bring me down with you. Your great alcohol consumption and your extra jealous girlfriend and tendency to kill yourself," Olivia rambled.

David wrapped his hands around her. Olivia protested against it and hit his chest to force David away from her, but he kept his hands tight against her and barely reacted to her fists. Finally she gave in and accepted his hug, she leaned her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around her back. It was the moment her resistance failed and she cried. Her tears soaked into his shirt. Not too long after she could feel his tears on her shirt.

The fought, they were angry, but when they came together the mask of being strong fell and two friends cried in each other arms. They share such contact rarely and so they chose to appreciate it, never knowing when they have such luxury again. Through the tears David promised to do his best to stay alive.

After the tears faded, they sat on the couch and went back to discussing their friends, their lives and David shared his girlfriend's infuriating qualities, which made Olivia doubt his motivation in being with the girl. But it was not her place to share her opinion, she had to support her friend not doubt and undermine his decisions. They avoided the topic of his suicide attempt all together.

Olivia decided to go home around 3 am, but when she felt the fresh spring air on her skin, she didn't want to go home anymore. She remembered that Alar lived nearby and headed towards his apartment. She and Alar had spent a lot of time talking on the phone, Olivia's roommates made fun of her already on how much time she spent talking on the shared landline.

She reached Alar's doorstep and knocked lightly. It took a moment, but Alar appeared on the door. He was wearing his boxer briefs and t-shirt, just like he had been sleeping.

"Olivia," he greeted in surprise to find her there.

"Did I wake you?" Olivia asked.

"No, I was watching a movie. Do you want to come in?" he asked.

Olivia nod.

Alar opened the door for her and the moment she entered the apartment, her lips were all over his. She almost collapsed into his arms, but he was there to catch him. He locked the door behind him, while Olivia numbed his senses with her presence.

"I didn't know you were coming," he stated once their lips parted.

"I had to talk to David," she explained.

Alar's face fell. The two of them were not in best terms. Plus there was the fact that Olivia was close to David and Alar didn't like that too much.

"And I just couldn't go home, hope it's okay," she explained.

Alar smiled and kissed her quickly. "Yeah, it's okay."

"Do you wanna talk about David?" Alar asked.

Olivia shook her head.

"What do you need?" he asked.

"You," she replied and leaned forward. She kissed him again. Before Alar could register what's happening they were heading towards his bed while undressing each other. And this time Olivia wasn't as drunk as she had been the last time they slept together. He let her take the lead, but he was willing participant, who welcomed her actions eagerly.

Afterwards they both stayed in his bed naked under the covers. They were breathing rapidly, but both of them were satisfied.

"So are we together now or am I just another one of your booty calls?" Alar asked.

"We're together," she decided.

Alar rolled over and kissed her lazily, then placed his head on her chest and closed his eyes.

"But everybody doesn't need to know," she said, hoping he'd understand.

"You mean David?" Alar clarified.

"Yeah," Olivia confirmed. "I want to tell him myself and since I am going back tomorrow I won't see him. He'd be disappointed if he'd hear it from someone else," she explained.

"As long as we're together I don't care who knows and who doesn't," Alar said.

He closed his eyes, but opened them again, when Olivia pulled away from underneath him and left the bed.

Alar looked after her with questions written all over his face.

"I don't want to have to answer stupid questions, so I'm going home. I'll let you know when I'll be here again," Olivia promised.

She collected her clothes, got dressed and left. On her way home, she realized, that there might be another way to deal with her emotions and Alar was just what she needed. He's a nice guy and she could fall head over heels for him. For the moment she knew that Alar was into her, but she wasn't so certain of her feelings. Why else would she not see Alar's brown eyes looking at her, when they had sex, but in her mind instead a pair of blue eyes stared back at her?

Blue eyes that reminded her of David.

With those thoughts Olivia returned home, content with the night and happy to finally have someone, who likes her. And the added bonus of seeing that David is okay, so maybe that would stop the nightmares of attending her friend's funeral.

Olivia got under the covers and she could still smell Alar's perfume on her, her thoughts drifted back to the night they shared and for once she could sleep without the nightmares. Maybe there was another way to deal with the whirlwind of emotions alternating with feeling nothing at all?

***SVU***

She turned twenty one days ago, now crying out her heart  
'Cause her best friend almost let go, when they were far apart.  
At fixing her he was so good, because he was the same,  
Alone he did the best he could, at last wrote down her name,  
Forever engraved on his skin, he almost lost his life.  
But as suicide is a sin, he put down his last knife.


	8. Twenty Two

The cold February air sneaked in through the cracks on the window and between the old wall, the cold breeze entered the warm, but poorly lit room, where Olivia Benson was crouched over her couch, while holding Victor Hugo's "Les Miserables" in her hand, while her eyes quickly followed every written word. She was surprised how much this book touched her in all the right spots, in a way it gave her hope that she would find her way too.

The eventfulness of the past year was hitting hard on her, while she worked on her thesis and final exams, her personal life blew up on her and it seemed like things should get better now, but it could still get worse before. The relationship with Alar had crashed and burned like Olivia had predicted, yet it hurt more that she anticipated, when the eventual fallout happened.

The other major fallout came from the aftermath of David's suicide attempt – his girlfriend Liz had gotten pregnant months after the attempt and it seemed like coming June was going to change the best friends more than either of them anticipated – Olivia was going to graduate from Siena – if she did make it of course – and David was becoming a father. Liz has stopped the two of them from hanging around even more, but David and Olivia always managed to find a way. Surely Alar didn't like Olivia hanging around another guy to the point when Olivia started lying to him about meeting David. It seemed to solve their issues, but secrets have a tendency to come out.

Theirs did. It concluded with a big colossal bang – fireworks all over the sky that were probably heard across the coast of Ireland, when Liz came to see David in his grandma's place unexpectedly and found David with Olivia, both in a good mood and enjoying a bottle of red wine. Liz made a scene in the apartment, David's grandmother finally kicked her out, it was no secret that the elderly lady preferred Olivia over Liz. Liz called Alar, who dropped by mere 20 minutes later and made a scene as well. Olivia ended the relationship and that was the last time she saw Alar. Later that night David went to clear things with Liz, if he ever did, Olivia didn't know – she hadn't heard from any of her friends in 4 months.

Truthfully, she didn't expect to hear from any of them. She didn't expect that in a few days time either, when her mother would be reminded again of what happened at the end of May in 1967 and how 38 weeks later after 12 hours of painful contractions little Olivia Benson entered the world with a loud cry, was coming around again. To Olivia it didn't remind any of that, instead she celebrated the passing of another 365 days of her existence which made her 22 years old in a matter of days.

Olivia tried to put everything out of her head, so she decided that she should go out with a few of her friends from her sorority instead of panicking in her room about her exams, her friend, her thesis, and everything else. She dropped her book on the couch, changed and left the warmth of her room. She knew the girls had a plan to go to a pub anyway.

They met in a little pub close enough to their apartments, but fairly far from Siena, so students rarely made it there and the chances of meeting anybody was slim. She was there with her friends Rachel and Mary, with whom she had many subjects together and Olivia liked their company.

"So, I'm moving in with Arthur," Mary announced.

"That's great," Olivia said with a smile.

"When are we getting wedding invitations?" Rachel asked.

Mary sent Rachel a dirty look, sipped her beer and shrugged her shoulders. "It's up to Arthur to pop the question," Mary replied.

"But do you want to get that ring?" Olivia asked provocatively.

"Maybe," Mary said with a smile.

"Of course she does. Name any woman, who doesn't want to get a ring and a big marriage," Rachel quipped in.

"Olivia," Mary said instantly, "Me," Olivia said at the same time.

All three girls laughed.

"Name me any woman, who doesn't want a ring and who is not named Olivia," Rachel corrected herself.

Neither Mary nor Olivia knew anyone else, who had publicly announced, that they don't want to get married, except for Olivia, who once – after a couple of drinks – shared her negative opinion about all men, her inability to trust them and her desire to never get married and never have kids.

Before Mary or Olivia could say a word, their table was interrupted, when a guy approached the table. He came to stand behind Olivia and looked over her at Rachel.

"Excuse me, ladies, but my friend over there," he said and pointed his head over to the table, where 4 guys were sitting and watching their table intensely, while one of the guys waved at them. "He finds you extremely pretty and would like to ask you for a dance," the guy continued.

There was something familiar in the guy's voice, but Olivia couldn't quite place it.

"And I would like to ask if you'd be willing to join our table, all of you lovely ladies?" the guy continued.

Mary, Rachel and Olivia exchanged looks, Rachel was the first to nod and the other girls agreed. They would not oppose to having a few drinks with good-looking guys and have some fun. The night could turn out to be much different from what they thought before.

"Sure," Rachel voiced their opinion.

"Great," the guy said.

Ever the gentleman, he pulled Olivia's chair back when she got up and they came face to face. He was standing there with a half-full bottle of beer, a goofy smile and casual outfit, it was much different from the last time they met. He had a marine haircut, and he seemed to be much more muscular than before, but otherwise he looked the same. Yeah, she had looked into those deep blue eyes last at the worst moment of her life (so far) and the moment their eyes met she knew he recognized her too.

"Olivia," Elliot said with genuine surprise.

"Elliot," Olivia replied.

An awkward silence occurred.

"You two know each other?" Rachel asked.

Olivia turned to her friends and looked for words, because she didn't tell any of her friends here about David's suicide attempt and this was not the time or place to do it.

"Um… Yeah, well, sort of…" Olivia tried to buy some time to come up with a believable lie for her friends.

"We have met once before, under much different circumstances," Elliot helped her out. "I'd much rather meet you like this though," he added and winked.

"Yeah, me too," Olivia agreed.

Mary and Rachel both sent Olivia looks that were full of excitement, yet full of questions. Olivia knew they were curious about the guy and the fact that Olivia had never told them about him. She knew she'd have some explaining to do the next day, but at least she'd have time to figure out her story now.

Elliot led the girls to the other table where his friends where sitting, the smiling guy named Andrew took Rachel for a dance and Mary took his seat, while Elliot offered Olivia a seat next to him.

The guys introduced themselves, but Olivia didn't focus enough to remember their names. All of them had muscular build and typical marine haircuts. One of the guys explained that they were all marines and he just got called back to service. Soon enough one guy left to make rounds and ended up chatting up a girl by the bar, while the other two guys were intrigued by Mary's knowledge on Knight Raider. That left Olivia and Elliot chatting away at their side of the table with little to no attention from the others.

"Since when are you a marine?" Olivia asked Elliot.

"I joined the corps in 84, right after high school," Elliot replied. "I left a year later for college and later NYPD, but I am still in reserve. With things like they are in Kuwait, I wouldn't be surprised, if I'd be called back in soon too," he said.

"Quite a life you've had," she commented.

"We all have a story to tell," he said and smiled. Olivia smiled and sipped her beer. "So what's your story, Olivia?"

"Just school – high school in Manhattan and now Siena, haven't done anything that significant," she said.

Elliot nodded. He looked around and saw that the others were not listening to their conversation and asked in whisper: "How have you been with everything?"

"I've been good. Everything's great," she replied casually. She knew, what he was asking about, but she was not about to talk about what had happened the last time they met.

Elliot took the hint. "Good," he replied and smiled.

"How have you been?" Olivia asked.

"Good. I'm really good," Elliot replied. "Actually I am at the end of my officer training and hopefully soon I'll be promoted as a detective," he elaborated.

"That's really good, congratulations, let's hope you'll get out of uniform soon," she said happily.

He angled himself more towards Olivia and placed his bottle of beer in front of her. His one arm held onto the chair on which Olivia sat, so his fingers brushed against Olivia's back. "I thought women liked men in uniform," he whispered.

Olivia laughed. "We do," she confirmed.

"Do you?"

Olivia rolled her eyes and nodded.

"In that case I might hold up on changing into regular clothes just yet," he said huskily. His voice was low, but his breath was hot against her skin.

"Are you hitting on me?" Olivia asked bluntly.

Before Elliot could reply, Rachel and Andrew came back to the table. Suddenly everybody was engaged in a conversations, they were making jokes and the night turned out to be a good one. Elliot leaned back away from Olivia, but they knew their conversation would be continued.

After awhile everybody started leaving one by one, Rachel and Andrew left together. On their departure both Mary and Rachel winked at Olivia and she knew that she'd be giving them details about this night the next day. No doubt Rachel would be talking about Andrew as well.

Finally it was just Olivia and Elliot left in the small pub, which was slightly more crowded and much louder than it had been before, but Olivia and Elliot didn't quite notice it. At last, they were alone and Elliot could get the answer to the question he had had for about a year.

"How's your friend?" Elliot asked.

Olivia shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. He's somewhat better than when you last saw him, but I don't really know. I haven't been in contact with him much," Olivia said heavily.

"Okay. We don't have to talk about the events surrounding the first time we met. You know that time you looked…" Elliot said, but lost his words, "You look much better now," he finished. He still remembered those big teary brown eyes and the way she looked at him. She looked broken and so fragile then, but she doesn't look like that anymore.

Olivia nodded thankfully – she was not ready to discuss David – probably never was, felt like David was her dirty little secret.

Elliot waved at the bartender for another round of beers for them and then turned back to Olivia, who was staring at the table rather uncomfortably.

"We can talk about anything you want, we don't have to talk about what happened," Elliot said.

The bartender arrived with 2 bottles of beer and removed the empty ones from the table. Elliot took his and sipped it, while Olivia wrapped her fingers around the bottle, but she didn't lift it to her lips.

"How did the investigation turn out?" she asked.

"Suicide attempt. We talked with David once he came to, his story checked out and we didn't investigate it further," he explained. "You know I tried to call when we finished, but one time there was no reply and then some other girls answered, you weren't there," he added quickly.

Olivia nodded. "David said the same thing," she said.

"He seems like a nice guy," Elliot added. Olivia smiled. "You really wanna talk about him?" she asked and raised her eyebrow.

He smiled. "Not really." He sipped his beer and looked around the pub. He leaned closer to Olivia again. "We don't have to talk at all." He licked his lips. "I'm pretty content in sitting in this cozy pub with the pretty girl. I'm all good." Olivia shifted in her chair and smiled at him.

"The weather is nice," Olivia said with a silent laughter. One of her friends always said that when he wanted to change the topic or they ran out words.

"The snowfall we got last night certainly was pleasant," Elliot continued.

Both of them laughed. Elliot took a bottle in his left hand and sipped it. As Elliot raised his hand, his golden band around his left hand's 4th finger glistered and Olivia noticed the wedding band for the first time.

"You're married," Olivia stated. She pulled away slightly and Elliot did the same, though she could tell that he didn't want to. It wasn't a question, but Elliot still felt obligated to respond, so he nodded and held his hand up. "I got married, when I was seventeen," he confirmed.

"Must've been one hell of a relationship," Olivia commented. Then again she waned to get married, when she was 16, then again it was to escape her mother and it didn't happen. It probably was for the best, otherwise she'd be 21 and divorced.

Elliot swallowed hard. "She was pregnant and it was the right thing to do. I love her, but I don't think I would have proposed if the situation was different," he explained.

"Good to see at least some guys are taking responsibilities for their actions," Olivia said bitterly, the anger towards her own biological father, whom she had started to call her bastard, came back to her.

"I'm a Catholic, I didn't have much of a choice. But it's good to have kids and wife to go home to. Honestly I don't remember my life without them," Elliot said easily.

"You have more kids?" Olivia asked with surprise.

"Two girls. Maureen is seven, she's in first grade and Kathleen is one. I turned eighteen weeks after Maureen was born," Elliot replied.

"You have quite a family. And you've had quite a life. You're what… 25?" Olivia asked.

"Five. I'm twenty-four," Elliot corrected.

"You're twenty-four, you're at the end of your police training, you've attained you B.A., you are married with kids and you were a marine. Quite some life," Olivia complimented.

"There is no such thing as ex-marine, once a marine always a marine," he corrected her.

"My apologies," she said sincerely. She was amazed by the life he had had and felt disappointed in the life she was living. Going nowhere and if she had to show her accomplishments, then she'd be in trouble as she had none.

"You'll get there. Once you finish your studies, you will be great. I'm certain in that," Elliot said. "You'll change the world and even if you don't cure cancer or death, then you will save some lives and change others. I'm sure of it, even if you don't know it yet."

"You dream big, marine. I'm gonna graduate in a few months and I have no idea what I'm gonna do next," Olivia confessed.

"You'll figure it out," Elliot said casually.

"How did you know that you wanted to be a marine or a cop?" Olivia asked.

Elliot laughed. "It's a long story."

"I have nowhere to be," Olivia said.

Elliot took a deep breath and concentrated his thoughts. Both of them drank their beer, Elliot took a deep breath and turned his eyes away from hers.

"I was senior in High School, when Captain Richard Finley, who went to the same high school as I did, came to give a speech and I knew that flying was my thing. He nearly made it to the moon and I wanted to do that too. So I joined the marines and it was also a solid income for my family. I had a daughter and I realized, that I couldn't go off to the Middle East to fight, so after some time I quit marines and got into college. I studied political science in Queens College, got my BA, then joined the NYPD. I always knew that I wanted to be a cop, my father was one and he took me to police camps every summer. Being a detective is my dream and I'm living it," Elliot said. Maybe his story was a bit shorter than he thought. Even though he never regretted his choices, he kept wondering what would have happened, if Kathy hadn't become pregnant and if he didn't need to worry about providing for his family.

"Wow," Olivia said. "I'm sure you have equally interesting story to tell," he coaxed.

Olivia shook her head. "No, I don't," she said and drank her beer.

"Let me be the judge of that," Elliot said and encouraged Olivia to speak.

She took a deep breath. "Well, it's just school. I had no clue what to do after high school, so I went to Siena. I study history, but I minored in psychology and took some environmental science classes. That's all my story," Olivia said.

Elliot stayed silent.

"I told you I'm boring," Olivia announced.

"You're not that boring, I bet there are many interesting stories to tell and we'll get there some day," Elliot said confidently.

"There's nothing interesting," Olivia said, nobody needed to know about her deepest darkest secrets, not even the blue eyed marine, who seemed to be a good guy, an honest guy and someone with whom Olivia would like to hang out again sometime.

"I'm sure we can find something, I mean history is compelling, as is our environment," Elliot tried.

"So you wanna talk about school?" Olivia asked.

Elliot laughed. "Yeah," he paused. "Not really. Unless you want to,"

Olivia shook her head.

"Well what's your opinion of what's happening in Europe?" Elliot asked.

"You mean the downfall of Soviet Union? At least I hope that's what's about to happen," Olivia asked.

Elliot nod.

"About time, don't you think?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, it'll be interesting to see what happens, when the empire falls," Elliot agreed.

"I'd say nothing changes for us. But for the people of Europe, everything will. If the countries under Soviet rule get independence, like Germany is already reunified and the Berlin wall has fallen. Soon the borders will be open and refugees can go back to their homes. I also think that Europe will get new face, but for us as Soviet Union is probably succeeded by Russia and it will be just as powerful even with the loss of some areas," Olivia voiced her opinion.

"I'm gonna have to agree, but I guess we'll see. It would be great to see, what happens in Europe, if the new countries will turn to west or stay with Russia," Elliot said.

"That's interesting point. Before WWII, France and Britain promised to aid Poland for example, yet they didn't. It'll be interesting to see, if the betrayal is still there. But I think they will look towards west, because they were repressed under Soviet for nearly 50 years," Olivia said.

"Good point. But let's remember that not all of them are free yet," Elliot pointed out.

"They will be. The only question is for how long," Olivia said confidently.

"We'll see," Elliot said.

They continued discussing European politics and the possible change about to happen, when Olivia looked at the time and realized it was already 3 am and she had to be at school at 8 am.

Elliot was the gentleman, who paid the bill and helped her with her winter jacket.

When they got outside the bar, Elliot stopped by nearby payphone to call his friend with whom he was supposed to crash but decided against that considering the time.

It was cold outside, much colder than it had been before, which made Olivia shiver. They walked through snowy streets, while more white show fell on the ground, it also landed on their clothes and on their hair. Olivia's brown hair was covered with white snowflakes and Elliot thought she looked beautiful.

"Where are you headed?" Elliot asked.

"Not too far from here, about 30 minutes walking," Olivia replied. "You going home?"

Elliot shook his head.

"I'm gonna find a place to crash and then I'll catch the bus in the morning," he replied.

"Where are you gonna find a place to crash at this time?" Olivia asked.

Elliot shrugged his shoulders. "I'll find something," he was confident.

"I have a couch," Olivia said out of the blue, it surprised him probably as much as it surprised her.

"You sure?" he asked.

"Well yeah. I have to warn you it's not comfortable, but it's a warm bed to sleep in," Olivia elaborated.

"I'll take it," Elliot said.

"Your wife won't mind?" Olivia asked.

"What she doesn't know, doesn't hurt her either," Elliot said. "We had a little fight and I'm not welcomed back there right now," he said.

Olivia didn't ask any further.

They made small talk on their way back to Olivia's apartment, they made it there in no time. Both were shivering when they entered the apartment, Olivia turned on the lights in the living room and then went to her room.

"It's a little messy," she warned. Elliot laughed. "I have two kids, my home is always a mess," he said.

Olivia opened the door, and let him in. Her clothes were over the floor and her chair, her notes and books were on the couch, the desk, cupboard and shelves, there were a few cups and a plate on her desk, but otherwise it was rather neat.

Olivia pulled extra blanket and sheets from her closet and handed them to Elliot. They were standing close, much too close, and they were both under the influence of alcohol.

"Olivia," he whispered.

"Elliot," she whispered.

He leaned closer, but Olivia leaned right back. "You're married," she said harshly. "I can't," she added.

Elliot resigned. "I'm more attracted to you right now, than I am to my wife," he said honestly.

"I will not be a homewrecker," she said surely and took a step back.

Elliot dropped the sheets on the couch and pointed at the picture on the wall. It was of David and Olivia, they were both proudly smiling.

"You love him?" he asked bluntly.

Olivia didn't have to look behind her to realize who he was asking about. She shrugged her shoulders and then nodded. "It's not relevant," she said.

"Why not?" he asked. "He should be so lucky to have you," he commented. He knew he wanted her, but he also respected her choices.

"He has a girlfriend and she's pregnant," Olivia said and breathed out heavily.

Elliot walked close to her, placed his arm around her shoulder, pulled her close and hugged her. "I'm so sorry," he said. He felt her arms around him and it felt so much better than having Kathy in his arms. Nothing would happen, but he could dream. He wrapped his other hand around her middle and held her against her.

"Your prince Charming is out there and he's making his way to you. I promise you that," he said.

Olivia smiled against his shoulder. She thanked him. Elliot planted a soft kiss to temple, he waited for her to let go of the hug first and then he descended to the couch, while Olivia left to brush her teeth.

When she came back Elliot pretended to be asleep to avoid any awkward polite small talk. She turned off the lights and then changed into her pajamas. She slept easily. When she woke up in the morning Elliot was still asleep, she left a not saying that she went to the lecture and when she got back, he was gone. And it was likely that they would never meet again.

***SVU***

Olivia was sitting on the couch in the living room, she had a book in front of her and she was concentrated on it. The ringing phone at her side surprised her and she flinched – it was 11pm, who'd be calling at this hour? She answered it.

"Yeah, Olivia," she said to the phone, but her attention was on her book.

"Liv, it's me," a familiar voice said – David.

"David," Olivia said, she wasn't expecting to hear from him. She closed her book, she was focused on the phone call.

"How are you?" he asked.

Olivia could almost see the smile on his lips. "Good, how are you?" she asked.

"I'm very good. I'm talking to you," David said. Olivia was sure he was smirking by now, she was smiling too.

"How are things?" she asked.

"I have news. I gonna have a daughter, we just found out. I'm not sure if I am ready to become a father. What if I fail?"

Olivia swallowed, she looked around the room for inspiration, so she'd have something to say to him, but she fell short.

"Liv? You still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here. Dave, you don't have the option to fail anymore. Your life's about to change, nothing will remain the same. You still have a few months to figure it out."

"Your life will change too. You will graduate soon, any plans on what to do after?"

"None."

He laughed and she heard his grandmother in a distance. "Gramps wishes you luck. You'll figure it out. You always do."

"I don't have any other choice either," Olivia said heavily.

"There she is. If you can't make it, then none of us can. No pressure, but all faith is on you."

"Soon enough you have much bigger responsibility than I will."

Silence fell on the conversation. Olivia got the feeling that they were getting to the core of the conversation – to the reason why he was calling.

"You know that you're my best friend in the whole wide world. You are my favorite person in the whole wide universe and I can't imagine my life without you. When the world is ending then I want to have you by my side and face it together. You know that, right?"

"Yeah."

They shared silence one more. She heard his heavy breaths and she knew he was still there. "But we can't," she said. "We can't be friends or even acquaintances, we can't be anything now," she said the words he didn't.

"I fucked up, Liv."

"No, you just fucked," Olivia made an attempt to joke, but neither of them found it funny.

"I'm moving in with Liz, we have a small apartment in Manhattan. It's actually not too far from your mothers."

Olivia laughed. "I might run into you at the corner store when I'm home. I might even smile at you," she said.

"I hope you do. And if Liz is not around I will hug you so tight and buy you something nice. It'll be like the old days."

"That would be nice."

"I'm so fucking sorry. I really fucked up and I can't see another way."

"It's okay," she promised. Her throat was dry and she felt the tears forming in her eyes. She'd known for years that she and David will have to depart, that they won't be sitting on a swing in some porch and look over at the street, when they're seventy. It was always temporary.

"Don't do anything stupid. The world is a better place with you in it."

"I should be telling you that," she said with a slight smile.

"Liv, I know. I guess I was waiting for a right moment to bring it up, but I know. I know what you've been doing and please don't do it anymore," he said.

Olivia knew what he meant. Subconsciously she ran her fingers over her scar on her right upper hand. She wrote his initial there a few years back.

"You too. My life was never in danger, I've always been perfectly safe. Promise me you'll be too," she said firmly. Her eyes were rested on the painting in the living room wall. It was of roses, she focused on the pink petals the artist had painted with much details.

"I will be safe. I will not kill myself," he said and paused.

"I will be safe. I will not kill myself," she repeated.

"At least we had a good run," he chuckled.

Olivia agreed with a small smile, that didn't quite reach her eyes and barely touched her lips.

"I don't think I'll ever find another like you," she confessed.

"I am one of a kind," he said and Olivia laughed, "I'll never find another girl like you. I don't want to. When I'm eighty and swinging on a porch, these are the days I wanna look back to – you, Tanzee, Harold… all the guys, but mainly you. I wanna look back at the nights we sat at my place, drinking wine, listening to music and talking about everything. I wanna think of you and I wanna think that you'll be happy wherever you are. One day you will change the world and I will be thinking of you and I will be so proud. Just promise me that once in a blue moon, you will look at the sky and you will think of me. That's all I ask. I'm asking you not forget me."

"Only if you do the same," she said. The tears were falling freely from her eyes and Olivia took the phone and walked to her room.

"I will. Always."

David's Grandma's voice was loud again on the other side, but Olivia couldn't quite hear what she was saying.

"I have to go now."

Liz was coming there, that's what his Grandmother was probably saying.

"We'll always have the convenience store at the corner from my mother's place," she said. Both of them knew it was not true, they'd be ignoring the corner store from now on and if they meet again it will be pure chance.

"I love you, Liv. I love you more than I'll ever love Liz and I will always love you, don't forget."

The line went dead.

"I love you too," Olivia whispered, but nobody was there to hear it.

She cried. She cried more that she'd cried when she found out he tried to kill himself. She cried for hours, because that would be the last contact she had with her best friend. She'd never find another guy like David. She cried for the loss of friendship and for the loss of extraordinary guy she knew for 3 years. David Russell had been her solid ground and her rock, he wasn't always there, but he showed up, when it mattered the most. For those years she didn't feel alone. She grew apart with her childhood friends and she doubted that she'll ever see her friends from the university again unless there's some reunion, but she'd probably skip that event.

She closed her eyes, and she knew that from the moment the phone call ended she'll be alone again. David once said that they're soulmates and not all soulmates are romantically involved. She read once that sometimes soulmates meet only briefly and when the lesson they needed to learn is done, they will depart. The lesson Olivia took was not to trust anybody.

She ran to her desk drawer, pulled it open and found her blade wrapped inside a cloth inside a box. Olivia unwrapped it and felt the cold material in her fingers. She took it out, looked at the photo of her and David on her wall. It seemed ironic, that they were laughing on the photo – they were young and happy. She glanced at David and the blade.

The blade dropped on the floor. She made a promise and she intended to keep that promise.

If ever there was a moment, when she needed a release that badly, needed to feel something – anything – it was this moment. She never wanted to die like this, she'd couldn't do it. For her the blade made her feel, whenever she needed a reassurance, that she can feel anything other but anger, hate or despair embedded deep in her mind, she used the blade.

Now, she needed something else for that.

David saved Olivia and destroyed Olivia.  
Olivia saved David and destroyed David.

He saved her and destroyed her.  
She saved him and destroyed him.

***SVU***

She will turn twenty-two in days, for once she is at ease,  
She feels stuck in her own maze, he's down on his knees.  
Begging her to stop, and she did, for him she'd do it all,  
If only he'd know how she feels, how long it took to fall,  
She's in love, but he won't know – she will never tell him,  
She knows she has to let him go, fade sparkle back to dim.


End file.
